Its A Quarter To Three.....

The young guy bellied up to the bar and immediately ordered a straight shot of scotch. Now, scotch and me have never been friends. And, being the experienced drinker that I am all of these years, when a young guy---he had to be around 25--- orders such a shot before he gets some beer in him first, the juicers at the bar watch him closely. Clearly, this was someone who was drinking away some personal demon that was haunting him at this moment. The youngster took the shot [without chasing it with a beer, a cardinal sin, and, a sign of inexperience] threw his head back, closed his eyes [another red flag, there] and moped onto the bar stool....... The wise men at the bar let him sit there without paying much attention. So did the gal pal I was with. But, me, being me, sometimes does not know when to leave well enough alone. I asked him what his trouble was. He looked over at me with pained eyes, fairly red [not do to the shot but crying] and stated that he had just broken up with his girlfriend and he did not know if he wanted to go on living......Well, now, we had the standard, stereotypical bar patron. The guy that has been done wrong by love. It is in every bar in the world and has been glorified by the big silver screen in Hollywood. Love gone bad. And, alcohol to soothe the hurt of the broken hearted. Bogart famously sat at his gin joint in ''Casablanca'', wondering how of all the places to imbibe in the world, his lost love found her way back into his world and his heart. It is an unanswerable question--- maybe, in Hollywood they know--- but, in the real world we are stumped. Millions of people throughout history have swung open the doors to the nearest saloon and demanded a drink to be their tonic. I have done it. Perhaps, you have also...... Sometimes, it is good to be with a friend or group of friends when your heart is hanging low. They will listen to your story, and, if they are good enough friends, they will try to cheer you up. But, what they must never do is take sides in the quarrel!!! This is, as the Italians say, an ''infamita'', or, forbidden. Because, what if the desolate, after berating his or her love, decides to leave the bar and make up with the other person? You, as the alcohol sounding board who agreed with every point your lovesick friend made, now has egg on your face. You never take sides in a fight, even when you know which is the right side to take. Your words can be thrown back in your face. Demon booze can always loosen the tongue for a liquid confession, but, it can also say the harsh truth. And, most people do not want to hear the harsh truth. They want their truth spun to their convenience. Be supportive of your friend. However, watch out for the landmine that may be in front of you......Or, you can go to a bar by yourself, as the young man above did. This does not sound as pathetic as it does. A bar is one of the few places where you can walk in alone and not feel uncomfortable. Because you are alone with your own thoughts, taking stock of your relationship. If you are honest with yourself, then you admit things privately that you would never share publicly...... Two things go hand and hand when you find yourself feeling low. They are the booze, of course, and music. Lets start with the music. It must fit your mood. You are feeling the worst, self-pity mixed with your faults and insecurity So, therefore, the music must be your companion on the trip of sadness. Do not play a loud, happy song!!! What the fuck is wrong with you if you do that?!!!! A happy song will put you in a happy mood. You must never fall for this speedtrap!!! You are morose, let the tunes be morose also. The one and only King Of The Saloon Song, Francis Albert Sinatra, is the man you must instantly play. Frank made a career out of love found or lost. He battled the forces of love throughout his roller coaster of a life. You will need no other guide. He is the Padrone. He will cry out your pain for you. Play his music into the wee small hours of the morning. With each selection, Frank will get more intimate. Let this famously strong, virile man weep with you. And, always listen to the advice he is giving you....... With the music comes the booze. This is the tricky part of the evening. Why? Well, you have to walk that tightrope between drinking to feel good and drinking to stay in your cups. If you are doing the former, pay your tab and leave. You are taking up valuable space for a real sad-sack with a crippling love life. You are posing!!! Get the fuck out of my bar!!!........ But, if you choose the latter, to drink to elongate the sadness, then the booze choice is so crucial. Stay away from sweet drinks [a real bar and bartender doesn't like to serve sweet drinks. It is a pain in the ass to make those fruity drinks. Bartenders only make them because they are more expensive and it increases your tab and their tip. Or, they may make them because you have nice tits.  Drink what is in the bottles in front of you or in the keg]. Also, don't drink from the keg. A draft beer? Please!!! Grab a bottle of the suds so you can peel the label off the bottle while your are mumbling to yourself. Then, and only then, do you order a shot. And, it must be a real shot. Not something that sounds like a sexual act. Can you imagine Sinatra strolling in a bar at a quarter to three and ordering ''Sex On The Beach?'' Or, a Jello shot? No, you order something strong and bitter tasting. You are punishing yourself in one way, so, go for the jugular. Have the scotch, or the bourbon, or the brandy, or the whiskey. Cognac is acceptable, but, it must be in a snifter. Also, do not immediately overdrink and get drunk quickly. This is for losers. Drinking is a serious thing, not be be disrespected by some pussy chugging everything in sight and then ralphing it up at the bar. I have been at bars when guys cough it up. I don't wanna see that. Especially, since I will have my own bile to shoot out in a few hours...... The hours will disappear soon enough. You have your booze and you have your music. You could order food--- it would be the smart thing to soak up the alcohol--- but, food may make you happy. If you order food, don't order what you like. Order something that you know sounds revolting, like Blood Pudding or Calf's Liver. And, if those two items are on the menu at a bar, get out of that bar!!!What kind of place serves that shit?....... As your inhibitions melt with the soothing feel of real alcohol surging through your system, you might want to put your toe in the water and talk to someone around you. But, don't spill everything out. You will scare the person next to you and scaring drunks in a bar is a one way ticket to destruction. If the person next to you is a friendly sort, start rapping. Bar friends come easy. However, be prepared to hear THEIR sob story when you pause and take a sip of your drink. Then, you will feel even worse because you really don't care what is eating at them. You have your own problems!!!...... It goes without saying that when the place looks like it is going to close soon, say, in twenty minutes, you pay up and leave. There is no worse feeling to be sitting in a bar when the lights come up. Christ, you think, I'm still here!!! And, now you have to get home!!! Of course, you do not drive. Either walk or call a cab. [ One bar guy I used to know would call the police to drive him home, like he was Otis on the ''Andy Griffith Show''] Hopefully, when you leave, you will feel it was worth it being there....... The next morning, when you wake up feeling like death warmed over, make sure you have your work number by your bed. And, you are sick. You have all of the symptoms of the ''flu''...... These are just some of the things you may do when love kicks you in the ass. Or, you might just stay home and cry and then call the person to try to work it out...... When the 25 year old guy finished telling me his story, which, if you change the names, is the story we all have, I just asked him a few things. I asked him if she loves him? He said, yes, she does. Then, I asked the most important question: does he love her? Tears came into his eyes again, and, he answered that he could not imagine living life without her by his side. ''There'', I said, ''You have your problem solved. When real love is involved, there is no other answer. Go find her and work it out.'' He looked up at me and smiled. ''I will'', he replied....... I bought him one last shot and he was out the door......