''Dear Dad''......

''Dear Dad...... I hope, somehow, in some way, you can see these words. It is 19 years today that you went home to Heaven. I know, when you went through those big Pearly Gates, that you were greeted by the citizens of Heaven with all of the warmth and love that you experienced here in this life. I know that you are up there, among the angels. A spirit like yours must go on to a higher plane. Your vast energy that you had also must shine on. If Heaven is the type of place that we all have imagined it to be, I know you are front and center by God. And, I know that you are giving God tips on how to run the joint better. And, if God is the type of force I believe, then, God is approving of your suggestions......... So much has happened since you left us on that March day in 1996. A lot of it good. But, we have had some dark times. The family went through the dark days of the 90's, as you know, reeling from one crisis and tragedy to another. You were there for some of it but after you passed, there was a hole in the family. A big hole. Our strength was gone. Our leader. Our hero. The knight in shining armor that the rest of us always turned to when we needed guidance and wisdom and patience and love. You were all of those things for us and more. To suddenly not have you there tore us apart, never to be completely whole again. Our shield was gone, our protector. I know that you were looking down on us and wishing you could have been there to soften the blows of the cruel world, like you always did. You saw the pain of the love of your life, our beloved Mom, go through, even worse illness and suffering than you had experienced [and, you went through a lot]. You saw her struggle against her losing battle against fate, fighting with all of her strength. You taught her how to never back down against your enemy and fight the good fight. And, she did. Royally. That lovely Irish lass that you fell for all those years ago was a brave little soldier. I know you were watching her and your love and admiration for her increased as you saw her confront her problems head on. When she did pass away, that little angle bundled up in a fetal position when I found her, she had a smile on her face. That smile was for you and Tommy and her parents and Uncle Joe. You were all waiting for her when she crossed over. But, I know that smile was for you, especially. That smile was the smile of love that she had for you ever since that first day she met you. She would now be back in your arms, where she always belonged. For eternity...... I hope you and Tommy are having fun up there. Boy, as we knew down here, he was a handful!!! Like myself, you butted heads with him on many occasions. But, I know that both you and Tommy knew why it was happening. Love comes in many different ways. Sometimes, it comes at the top of your lungs. Tommy was a pistol, no question about it. I'm sure that pistol is still firing up there, covered in Heavenly spirit and love. Your first son loved you, I know you knew that. Many times, I saw the pride of you sparkle in his eyes. He wasn't verbal about it but it was there. In some ways, you two mirrored one another. We Scoleri men are passionate Italian men who are firm in our beliefs and opinions. And, we are not shy in stating them. Both you and Tommy---- duck your head, Dad, Tommy just hit another game winning homer in the Heaven baseball game--- looked at the same issue or problem from different angles but you both wanted the same results. Every family has the wild card, the child that doesn't fit the norm of the world. In our family, you can list them in alphabetical order. Tommy was a singular personality, a one of a kind who lived life to its fullest potential. I always said that he died as he lived, at full impact, seizing the moment. I know that you know that he loved you. Tommy never expressed it in words but it was always there. Up there, right now, I'm sure you two butt heads often. At the top of your voices. And, then, you laugh and you hug and you love........ Down here, things seem to be running smoothly. Lisa, that wonderful twinkle in your eyes, is now, as she has always been, a smart, kind, caring person. You and Mom gave me many gifts, but, the best sister in the world is on top. You always were proud of her. She was a girl, a very rare thing in the Scoleri family. And, she was your little show-off. I see the home videos of her dancing for whomever was around!!! Little Lisa, The Star!!! In those same films, there are cutaway shots to you and Mom. You are clapping and smiling. But, mostly, in those expressive eyes that you had, there is so much joy and love coming forth, that it is touching, even after all of these years. She never stopped being your ''little girl'', even as she became a woman. And, she became the woman you always wanted her to be, a classy, sophisticated woman, who is also independent and dependable. Do not fear, though: she is still your ''little girl'', who loves and misses you like I do......... Johnny and Joey. Your grandsons. God, how you idolized them!!! The legendary walks that you and Johnny took, when he was small, down to see the Rock at the end of the block. Johnny still talks about doing that with you and how special that was to him. He may not understand fully on how special that was to you. It was Papa and Johnny time, just the two of you. What you two talked about was between you two, never for anyone else to hear. Probably, Johnny cannot recall much of those talks but they are precious moments that are living on somewhere. There is a special place in time between grandparents and their grandchildren. Those times mingle in the ether, a parallel life of sweet moments captured between two people that are gone at this moment but live on in the universe of love........ Joey. He is a Scoleri, no doubt about it, even though he has his Father's last name. But, Joey is all dago!!! You were the first person to recognize that when he was small. Joey was only 6 when you passed but you made an impact on him, no question about it. Johnny has more memories of times with you but Joey has your spirit in him. Perhaps, unconsciously, but, you are there, I see it. He can be headstrong and confident in his opinions. He is quick and funny and has a great personality [ as does Johnny]. Joey works a room, like you and me. He can talk to the public in his job and he can also talk to the waiter in the restaurant taking his order. That comes from you. You got along with everyone and I see that in Joey. He is so much like a Scoleri that, on occasion, I am a little rougher on things that he does than I am with Johnny because I see the connection between the three of us. I jump on him for a mistake a little too harshly because I know he will have the innate feeling to understand where I'm coming from. Joey doesn't bullshit, like you and me........ And, both of your grandsons are fine fathers. Johnny has Jordan and Aidan. Joey has Manny and little Mason, just a few months old. They are all beautiful children that I know that you would get a kick out of. And, they would love you, too. You always had children immediately like you [ again, like everybody], so, I think you would find it an overwhelming joy to be with them and hold them......... And, that leaves me now, Dad. Your namesake. Let me tell you a story that happened in 1991, right before you got sick, that I feel expresses how I feel about you. We were at a wake for your Uncle Jimmy [who I always thought was a prick] and you were going around to family, saying hello. When you came to Aunt Antoinette, who was just sadly having her dementia take over her, she didn't recognize me at all. You tried and tried to tell her whom I was but the poor woman wasn't getting it. Finally, you said, ''Antoinette, this is MY JIMMY!'' And, strangely, she got who I was. But, what was important to me at that moment was your description of me. ''MY JIMMY!''..... Yes, Dad, I am YOUR JIMMY. No prouder achievement could ever happen to me. I could cure all of the world's diseases, become rich as a person could, wine and dine all of the beautiful women there are, and be universally loved, but it would always pale to being your son. I have lived my life as I thought you would want me to. With dignity and honor. Sure, I have made mistakes and bad decisions and had bad behavior, but, hopefully, I have kept those things at a bare minimum. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes, you always told me, just as long as you learn from them. I have, I believe. But, you always told me to take the high road, to never hurt anyone and to be a good person. I have tried to do this, and, I think I have been relatively successful. Not perfect, but, I can hold my head up high. You taught me that when you run into a person that is bad---as we all do--- to try to deal with them as best as I could, without sinking to their level and becoming what they are. I have always heard this voice in my head, your voice. That voice tells me to not go there, to still take the high road. When, on occasion, I feel myself waver, thinking that I might go to that dark side, that voice kicks in my mind. Your voice telling me to not go there. And, I listen. If I didn't, I would not be ''YOUR JIMMY!''......... There are many memories I carry of you, many, many, memories. They are nestled in my soul, forever sealed in my heart. I think of you everyday, many times laughing out loud at something you said or did. And, sometimes, I cry for you, for you not being here. Sometimes, the heartbreak of you being away is overwhelming. Sometimes, you feel so close, it is like I could reach out to touch you. I still wear your old robes at night when I am physically and emotionally cold. They spring forth your warmth and love. And, I swear, after all of these years, I can even still smell the scent of you in the robes. It is a comforting smell, the smell of a man who was the finest man I have ever known. You were and are my best friend. My adviser. My hero. The template of how a man should act. I guess I have been the man of the family ever since you left but I am just a replacement. Your spirit is still living in your family and your friends. Obviously, we all still think of you with a great deal of love. I wish the world had more men like you. It would be a nicer, special world........ Every year on Facebook, I always post the same Shakespeare quote that I think expresses best what you are now........ ''When he shall die, take him and cut him into little pieces. And, he will make the face of Heaven so fine that all of the world will be in love with night and pay no attention to the garish sun''.......... I know you have been making the face of Heaven so fine, just like you made life so fine down here.......... Dad, I love and miss you!!! It was an honor to be your son. One day, we will meet again........ Love, YOUR JIMMY!!''..........

Can You Go Home?

So, you are feeling overwhelmed by today's world and the problems of an adult. You have moments of pressure that bring you to your knees, raise your blood pressure, and make you cry out in frustration. You never had these problems long ago, when you were young. That was the innocent time, more innocent and carefree than you realized. You never had to worry about real-life, the sweet bubble of youth always surrounded you. Your only worry was school, and, even that, was a minor inconvenience. No, you worried about important things, like does the person you like really like you also? And, having enough money in your pocket to not pay those pesky adult bills you heard your parents talk about, but, money to have fun with your friends with. The innocence of youth, mixed with a life spent in a blissful swooning of happiness. The days were gonna last forever, right? And, when you did cross over the threshold into adulthood, you were gonna bring that carefree nature with you. Imagine all of our shocks when we gazed down from the Promised Land of Adulthood and came to the harsh realization that our glorious, innocence was long gone. And, that is when you could trace your longing for those childhood times that you wish for now........ The famous author, Tom Wolfe, once coined the phrase, ''You can never go home''. The meaning means not so much physically being unable to go home to where you lived but, rather, you can never travel back in time to your perfect recollections of the past, specifically, your youth. Of course, we all tend to idealize our youth through some minor rose colored glasses. Being young has its tough times--- for some, sadly, they are horrible times--- but, as you get older, you tend to not remember the bad parts but stick with the quality time. On reflection from the perch of middle-age, I look back on my youth fondly, with a great deal of love and happiness. I was lucky, I had great parents and siblings. We were far from rich, but, I always said, I would never trade money for the laughs and love we all had for each other anytime. And, there are moments when I wear my heart on my sleeve for those times. I'm no fool. I know they are gone forever [my concept of Heaven has always been that we encounter those good times again for eternity, along with the people we loved]. But, they are always close by to me, so close, I can almost touch them........ I know of no one who does not want to revisit the past, at least, for a short time, anyway. How can you not if those times brought you such joy? There is nothing wrong with those feelings. Unlike Mr. Wolfe, I do believe you can go home. But, only for a short visit. I find it fine therapy for the soul. It refreshes your spirit and, hopefully, recharges your batteries for the current state of your life. The trap, though, is longing for those bygone days too strongly. That could pose a danger. Living in the past does not bode well for your current life, let alone, your future. Just look at the example of the star football player in high school. Every school had one. And, after the final cheer for them has subsided, after the glory of winning has faded, after they go out into the world that does not hold any interest that the person was ''Big Man On Campus'', comes the sad awakening of a person who has lived his own best years before he could drink legally. Those are the ones that hold on to those years of acclaim in school, the popularity years when everyone knew their name, and relive those times over and over until they become a tragic shrine to themselves. With this self-imposed prison of past glories, comes, many times, substance abuse problems and bitter times. They sabotage any chance of present happiness by being pulled back to fallen memories of being the king....... There have been times when I have lived a little too deeply in a past moment. It usually involves a lost love and what we once had. I have gone back to the favorite restaurant we used to go to, sitting in the same booth we used to sit in. Or, playing that favorite movie that was ''our movie'' [we also had ''our song'']. Or, walking that special path that was our path of love. But, I soon realized on how damaging this was to me. Instead of finding the long-sought for comfort of the past moment, it made me even more sad and incomplete. SHE was not there. SHE would never again be there for me. WE would never find those special moments together. And, after I would come to these conclusions, tremendous loneliness would sweep over me. I soon abandoned these attempted grabbing of the golden moments. They would be better for me to stay in my mind........ The same applies for my parents and brother. They are gone and there has always been a hole in my soul about their leaving. A few years ago, the house that I grew up in was for sale. My sister, Lisa, and I joked about what would happen if I bought it. It was half-joking, I must correct. But, what if I did buy it? What would come of it? The answer is nothing but heartbreak. The reason is that the house could be in pristine condition, mirroring what it was when I was younger. However, the one ingredient is missing: the family that lived there. My parents would not be there, also my brother is absent. Lisa and I are still around, but, we are not the same people that lived there so long ago. That house is for the past, forever sealed to revisit. It also is in my mind, housed there with the good times and love that flowed all around me during that time......Still, is it wrong to have these thoughts of going back? I think it depends on the individual person and their motives. Are they going back for the warm comfort of a fond memory or to hide from the cold present? Again, it is to be judged by the individual. I think the football star or the popular head cheerleader would have different reasons of going back than the average person who was just revisiting a pleasant time from the past. Each must be respected for their passion for the past but, the former must be more careful than the latter when going back. Sometimes, it can be more damaging to the ''star'' than to the ''average'' person to spin back in the time machine........ I do not mean to undervalue or be overly critical of ''going home again.'' I embrace it on a cautionary level. I dream about the past but I make sure I always wake up to the present. The past does bring me joy [sometimes, against my best intentions, sadness will overtake the joy. Thankfully, these are minor incidents]. Many of my blogs have had the theme of the past and the people who are settled there forever. I enjoy a good night of ''Remember, when......?'' Sometimes, though, people around me have to jog my noodle to shake those times loose from the cobwebs of my mind. It goes along the lines of, ''Come on, Jimmy!! You remember that!''.......I like the past. And, I hope it likes me also.......

Death Bed Thoughts

An old adage, more sage as I get older, is that, on your death bed, when you think about the times in your life, your brain settles on what was really important during your time on Earth. All of the moments that you cherish. But, also, the moments, those precious moments, that you have wasted on unimportant things. Oh, they seemed important at the time. But, in hindsight, that most brilliant of realizations, it really is not that important....... As I get older, the death bed adage seems to grow stronger. Instead of it being in the back of my mind, as it is in your youth, when the world is open to you and you will live forever, the saying is very much in the forefront of my brain. Part of it, of course, is age. As we get older, hopefully, we do get wiser. Some people do not. The majority of us do, however. It is bitter irony that at some point, you lose your memory and wander off into fuzzy thoughts....... Still..... Ah, what was I about to write?...... What's everyone doing in my bedroom?...... Oh, yes, being focused and wise as you get older...... I do look at life differently now than, say, ten years ago. My life is in much slower motion. The images fly by at a much faster rate, but, the overall action is in the slow lane. At the cusp of 50 years old, I can now settle my thoughts around the central goal of living life like I should be. No longer do I go against the waves of fate. Rather, I surf along its waters, enjoying every passage that I go to or that comes to me. I accept all, hopefully, without very much resistance or complaints. Sure, I have my gripe sessions with the world. Everyone does. Still, with the advancement of age, comes to my mind much easier ideas of what is really important in my life. The death bed motto........ And, it is the simplest of lessons that we all know. To really enjoy your time in this life with the people you choose to love. Yes, its that simple. So, why do we not follow that mantra all of the time? Simple. Because life throws you the bad curves that wayward your spirit of love. I have gotten up feeling great in the morning [well, as great as you can feel at 5:30 am] with all of the expectations of having a great day. Then, I leave my condo, get in my car, and every asshole who has ever somehow obtained a drivers license, gets around me. These people ruin, in a flash of an instant, my internal smile. Soon, for brief [not serious] moments in my existence, I will wish them physical harm in their future, like hoping, since they made me slam on my breaks, barely avoiding an accident, that they somehow hit a tree very soon. As I said, I am not serious about it, but it is a fleeting thought. In the past, such minor incidents would ruin my day. Not anymore. The death bed adage again: it is not important in the overall scheme of things....... Nor is the various problems that greet all of us in our jobs. Whatever your position in life is, we all work for people who we feel could not find their dicks with two hands and a map. And, we all work with people who, for reasons that defy logic, really are horrible at their jobs and do next to nothing. And, they sport an horrible personality to boot. I work with some people who are as ugly internally as externally. Every company I have ever work at has these people. They walk between the raindrops, never seeming to get in trouble or called on the consequences of their actions. And, then, there are people like you and me who can look at someone cross-eyed and get called on the carpet for something that is not a problem. Is it fair that this happens? No. Will it change? Probably, not. Will it matter on your death bed as you are reviewing your life? It won't be anywhere on your memory radar........ This is what I mean about what is really important. I keep coming back to the death bed [forgive me for being somewhat ghoulish in my analogy]. The argument and disagreements I have now will not break my stride in life. I will not remember the bad times. I will not remember the petty arguments. I will not remember my disgust with many of my fellow citizens and how they live their lives for the worse. I will not remember the sickness and the suffering. I will not remember the lonely nights and the broken dreams. I will not remember the fear and the confusion........ I will remember much more pleasant thoughts and not how a co-worker mistreated a student or the client I pissed off in my salesmen years. I will remember the vacation that I took when I could not afford it but that has given me lasting memories. I will remember the smile on a woman's face when I did something that I really did not want to do but I knew it would make her happy. I will remember how proud I was feeling, when, despite pressures around me to change and go to the dark side of human nature, I stood firm and took the hits, with the sound knowledge that my parents were looking down on me with approval, because that is how they raised me. I will remember helping someone I found personally unpleasant because they needed me at the moment and I came through. I will remember all of the other times I was there for the people who I love fiercely, the ones I have been blessed with in life to be close to. I will remember the little kids I made laugh, strangers really, who I saw had parents that did not give a damn for them. I will remember the same feelings towards the elderly, whom, I hope, I made them also smile and swept away their loneliness for just a short time. I will remember the endless, carefree days of my youth, when all of life was open and innocent. I will remember the long nights and early mornings of friends having boundless fun, with arms thrown cavalierly over each other's shoulders, smiling our souls out. I will remember the family jokes, inside laughs that no one but family will get. I will remember my Mom's sweet smile and the aroma of her cooking. I will remember my Dad's infectious laugh and joyfulness to be around him. I will remember my sister, Lisa, and her caring and warm spirit. I will remember my brother, Tommy, with his wicked ways that were wrapped around a strange love for us all. I will remember the small moments, because that is what life is all about, of candlelight dinners and quiet times holding someone so dear to me close in my arms, protecting them, for the time being, from the badness out there in the cold world. I will remember Christmas when I was a kid, opening gifts with my family around me. Yeah, we weren't opening diamonds and vacations to Switzerland to ski but we had something much more valuable: being with each other and showering our family love on all of us. And, I will remember the personal feelings of satisfaction of making that cold world a little warmer through my actions....... I am proud of being good and not one of those horrible people who act it but do not really act on it. They may be making more with the zeros in their paychecks but they live empty, sadly, meaningless lives with no idea about the death bed thoughts. They are greeted with tension and unfriendliness when they walk into a room. I am greeted with smiles and warm embraces. I have always said that the sign of the person you REALLY ARE is how people react to you when you walk into a room. As I am lying on my death bed, closing my eyes for the last time, I will have the smile of one who is satisfied with his life performance...... And, if there is an afterlife, as I believe there is, I will hopefully be greeted by God with the words: ''You did well, Jimmy''...........

Sharpie

There is a personal code in the Mafia that you never sleep with a ''Made'' guy's wife. It is forbidden. It is a sign of disrespect to ''this thing of ours''. Whenever someone crosses over into this dangerous territory, most likely, he will get whacked [see Tony Spilotro and his nailing Lefty Rosenthal's wife]. Or, in the real world: you don't shit where you eat. That also means that it is not wise to sleep with a fellow employee [of this, I must plead guilty]. You certainly will not get killed in the business world if you do this---unless, someone, like Dick Cheney,  is running the company---- but it is bad politics to dip your wick in the work environment. I say all this because the hottest story in town right now is the Patrick Sharp rumors........ Patrick Sharp is one popular player for the Blackhawks. Until the last year or so, he was a potent player, who was a steady, calming force on the ice and in the locker room. He also possesses movie star looks. I do not know one female who would not like to get a high sticking from him. Sharp has coveted the ''good guy'' pose in public. You know, the family man who loves his daughters and goes home to his ever-loving wife for all of the comforts of life on the home hearth. All seemed to go well for good guy Sharp until this season. Really, it started last season. His play was off significantly within the last two seasons. There was serious trade talk about him during the off-season of 2014. He almost was traded but the deal fell through with the unknown team. And, his trouble on the ice all of this year have dogged his play. Lately, he has been a mirage in a game. Loyal fans have been asking: what is wrong with Sharpie???......... Well, we may have the answer with the last few days of disclosures. Let me point out that these are rumors, not yet proven facts. So, the term ''alleged'' must be always be kept forefront in all of our minds. The rumors started when Dan Bernstein, the smart, and, at times, arrogant, host of ''The Score'', sports radio, posted a revealing tweet talking about discord in the locker room. About a fistfight. The combatants were Sharp and fellow teammate, Duncan Keith. According to reports from inside sources, the fight had nothing to do with the playing of Sharp but of Duncan Keith's wife. Allegedly, Sharp and Keith's wife have been going at it hot and heavy. Sharp finally found the goal crease but it wasn't in a hockey net. Keith, if the rumors are to be believed, rightfully went after Sharp, with, apparently, the blessing of many of his fellow teammates........ The second big rumor about Patrick Sharp is that he is having an affair with Channel 7 weatherlady Cheryl Scott. The story goes further into the allegation that Scott became pregnant with Sharp's baby. This one-two check to the boards, once again, if true, really blows Patrick Sharp's public relations image as a ''family man'' out of the water. Patrick Sharp has come forward to deny any of these stories and is threatening legal action....... Now, the assessment, from my perspective. The fact that an athlete may be cheating on his lady, whether girlfriend or wife, is as old as the beard on Moses. Public figures, like politicians, athletes, movie stars, and above all, rock stars, being randy out in public should be no shock to anyone. And, it has been my observation that when someone who goes out of his way to be seen as a ''good family man,'' is often hiding the fact that they have a stable of women on call. I am not saying Sharp is in this group but it is curious that, so far, none of his teammates, guys he has gone to war with to win two championships, have come forward to defend him .Toews and Seabrooke have come forward with a half-hearted defense about the locker room. All locker rooms have their fights. The Yankees in the 1970's, with Reggie Jackson and Thurman Munson, were notorious for their in-fighting. And, the 1985 Chicago Bears were not exactly chumming with each other off the field. So, a divided locker room is no great shakes as a story. But, why is it divided? This story of the Blackhawks at war with each other seems to have taken on a more personal edge to it. Again, if not so, where are his defenders? Where, for instance, is Duncan Keith? If all is quiet on the Keith marriage, then, he should be the first to say that Patrick Sharp is not guilty in this story and that the fight they had in the locker room was over Sharp using Keith's shampoo without asking. Where are the Blackhawks media people in this? They have an excellent public relations group of people who have revived this organization in recent years. Where are they to defend Sharp, until now, one of their most popular assests? And, there is also Dan Bernstein's reporting. For many years, Bernstein has proved to be a solid, reliable reporter on the local sports scene. He is a smart man who knew that his facts had better be accurate. He knows how popular Sharp is in this town--- mainly, with women---- and to risk public disapproval over this story is risking a lot on his part. Bernstein could lose his job if the story proves to be false......... I am reminded of two famous stories involving local sports people. One goes back to the late 80's/early 90's involving Ryne Sandberg's first wife, Cindy. The Cubs second baseball, apparently, could not control his wife going after some of his teammates. Rafael Palmeiro and Dave Martinez were both rumored to be having relations with Cindy Sandberg. While Ryne was shagging ground balls, both men were shagging her. Those rumors were so strong---- and, reliable--- that it came down to the Cubs having to trade both men to other teams to keep peace with Ryne Sandberg. Soon after these disclosures were made public, Ryne and Cindy Sandberg divorced........ The second famous local sports rumor involved Channel 5 anchor, Joan Esposito and the Chicago Bulls Horace Grant [there was also talk of Michael Jordan and her, which is possible, given Jordan's, another ''good family man'', lifestyle]. The stories about Esposito and Grant were so strong that it was talked about very openly on the radio by DJ'S Ed Volkman and Joe Bohannon. By here is the rub, Joan Esposito denied the rumors so fiercely that she went to court and sued Volkman and Bohannon for defamation of character. And, she won the lawsuit. Both DJ'S apologized but the damage to Esposito's reputation had already been done....... It should be interesting to see what Patrick Sharp does here. If he is innocent, he should go after Dan Bernstein and anyone else who is defaming his character. We all would. If someone was saying all of this about you, where you know it isn't true and this is hurting your marriage, wouldn't you scream to high Heaven about your innocence? I would. I would disregard any attorney's advice and go for the jugular. That is if I was innocent. If I was guilty of these stories, well, I would be prepared to be a villain among my former fans...... And, I would be prepared to wear another team's jersey soon......