Man On The Moon

I still find it amazing that we did it. We went There!!! The place of space fantasies, where heroes like Buck Rogers and Han Solo called home. It seems strange that we cannot cure the common cold or grow hair for the hair challenged, but we did this. On a perfect July evening in 1969, while the planet Earth was coming apart in dissension over war and race and gender lines, three men went to the Moon....... Visiting that strange object that has adorned the sky must have been a fantasy of humans ever since we started to inhabit this planet. We can only wonder what cavemen thought of that strange object in the sky as they ran for their lives to keep from being Sunday dinner by the dinosaurs. As mankind---- or, better yet, humankind----- developed into the beings we are now, the fascination of this object in the sky, along with other planets that were rotating around us, grew into a desire to visit and explore what might be out there....... Jump ahead to the 1930's and 40's. Among the madness and horrors that Hitler's Third Reich did, they did one sane thing: create a space program. Underneath his evil ways, Hitler did have an active imagination when it came to alternative life. He believed in the paranormal, ghosts, living before in past lives, and in outer space. With his war machine, he also told his scientists--- brilliant men and minds, it must be said--- to create travel in outer space. That is the foundation of where rockets came from. Hitler, in time, used these rockets [ ''V-1''and ''V-2''] to shoot at England when he was losing the war. After the Nazis went down in defeat, the best and the brightest among the German scientists, immigrated to other lands. Some were taken against their will to Russia and made to work with the Communists in the Cold War fight against the West. But, most came to America, and, after being cleared of any offenses committed against the Allies in WW2, they were put to work for our government to create the next big thing: the eventual travel to space........ Throughout the late 40's and 50's, a big push was made by the U.S. Government, led by the Eisenhower Administration, to get something up into space. The Russians were competing with us, and in true Cold War competition, we had to beat them in the race for space. In 1957, the Russians drew first blood by sending the ''Sputnik'' rocket into space. This was the test missile to see if humans could shoot something into the sky. It was a success, a very short test. But, it did go up and come back down successfully. The United States was highly embarrassed by this launch. We needed to get something up as well, along with the training of men to be a thing called ''astronauts''.......... In 1958, we rang the bell by sending up the ''Jupiter C'' rocket into space. It was our ''Sputnik''. It went up, tasted space for a few minutes, and then came down as planned, splashing into the ocean. The country was thrilled. The government was more thrilled. Not only because we got into outer space finally, but, it showed the power of how a rocket could reach anywhere, at any target. Which meant the military would get stronger. Not only were we aiming upwards but we were aiming at our enemies across the globe. These rockets could now become nuclear rockets used in the ongoing Cold War against Communism. The success of the ''Jupiter C'' brought us not only a taste of what was ''up there'' but also brought the threat of nuclear extinction through these rockets, a mere few minutes from happening........ ''NASA'' was created in Florida. It was the home headquarters for the space program. And, seven men were recruited and trained to be the first visitors to be sent into orbit. The ''Mercury 7'' they were called and they consisted of such brave men as, John Glenn, Scott Carpenter, Virgil ''Gus'' Grissom, Alan Shepard, Wally Schirra, Deke Slayton, and Gordon Cooper. These men lived together, palled around together, fought together, and ultimately, succeeded together as they battled the elements pitted against them to go to space. Later, these men would be immortalized by writer Tom Wolfe as having ''The Right Stuff''....... When John F. Kennedy got into the White House in 1961, one of the first items on his agenda was getting the space program into fast track. His hard-charging administration wanted to best the Russians on all fronts. In May, 1961, President Kennedy made a public speech declaring that he would like a man on the moon by the end of the 1960's....... First off the bat into space was Alan Shepard. It was April, 1961. The Russians had already sent a man up and, once again, we were behind the eight-ball. Shepard was a fine pilot---- as all the men were--- to lead this mission. The only problem was he had to wait forever on the launching pad for the ok to ''light this candle''. Hour after hour went by as the world waited for NASA to finally give the go-ahead. There was understandable concern that something might malfunction and Shepard could be killed on the spot. Things even got so bad that the natural body functions of a human being came into play. Alan Shepard, after drinking a lot of coffee and water before he was latched into his capsule, quite simply, had to take a piss. To pry him out of his capsule would abort the trip. So Shepard did the only thing we all would do: he peed into his spacesuit.  Soon, detections of liquid appeared on the NASA computers. Everything was fine, everyone had a laugh, and Shepard was feeling better. Soon after, he was launched into space successfully. He was up less than half an hour. But, it was a rousing success. Alan Shepard, pee stained and all, came back to Earth and was rightfully declared an American Hero......... John Glenn would go up in 1962. His mission would be more hazardous. He not only was going up into space but was going to orbit Earth many times. This had never been done. And, when something has never been done before, beginners accidents happen. No one could predict if Glenn would come back alive. The first part of his mission went soundly. He spun around the planet many times, marveling in the glorious sights that he was seeing. Then, a problem developed. A serious problem. His heat shield around the capsule failed him. It was burning up. This shield was what was protecting him from being burned alive when he started to reenter Earth's orbit. For several moments, as the capsule came back to Earth, John Glenn was in enormous pain from the heat. For several frightening moments, it was feared he may burn to death. But, he survived just fine, like the true American Hero he is........... Eventually, all of the ''Mercury 7'' would go into space. None made it to the moon, however. And, in 1967, Virgil ''Gus'' Grissom and two other men were killed when their lunar capsule exploded on the runway at NASA. Of all of those seven, only John Glenn is still alive........ By 1969, we were ready to go to the moon. Various astronauts had traveled into space and even one capsule had spun around the moon in 1968. We had long-since lapped the Russians by winning the space race but one destination still needed to be conquered. In July 1969 it was......... The three astronauts were Neil Armstrong, Edwin ''Buzz'' Aldrin, and Michael Collins. Armstrong was the commander of the mission, so, he would be the first man on the moon. Aldrin, according to legend, was not happy about this. He wanted to be the first, not the second man to walk on the moon. He tried to pull some strings in Washington to force his position. But, NASA wanted Armstrong. Collins would stay with the ship and man the controls. Among our achievements into outer space, we had been sending satellites up there---- as did other countries---- to better our lives on Earth. Because of these satellites, we were able to watch the landing from our living rooms. Seeing a man, so many thousands of miles away in space, from the comfort of our couches made the whole space program worth all of the time and money and blood spent achieving this goal. I'm sure JFK, wherever he was, was watching his dream come true also........ On July 20, 1969, ''Apollo 11'' landed on the surface of the moon. Hundreds of millions of people were watching this around the world. After some time, the door of the capsule opened and a solitary figure stepped out onto the steps to take him to the surface. The world held a collective breath right as he made the step onto the moon's surface. After making this historic step, Neil Armstrong said. '' That is one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind''........ Soon, Aldrin would join him walking the moon. They took samples of the moon's surface to bring back to Earth. They took pictures of each other and what the view was like around them. Eventually, they would plant an American flag. It was a final statement of the decades of hard work and some blood lost getting there. It showed America had won the race to space....... The flag was also planted for another reason. The year of 1969 on the planet Earth was as tumultuous a year as history had ever been. There was the Vietnam war raging out of control. There was the race riots in many cities. There was the fallout of important leaders being assassinated . There was revolution in the air. Hate and divisions among the people was very much felt....... But, in another place, where two men were walking, like Adam and Eve, a new world where none of the Earth's hatreds and fears was felt, a flag they were planting also was a symbol. The flag was planted in the spirit of peace.........

I Do Not Choose To Run

They are attractive young ladies and they live in my building. So, naturally, I must be friendly and listen to them and be social. They just moved into my building recently, a welcome relief from the nice but moldy people who make up my condo building. I usually keep pretty close tabs on the good-looking women who roam the halls. Anyway, these twenty-something's were all dolled up to go work out. They had the fashionable run clothes on, along with the fashionable headbands, and the fashionable water bottle. After exchanging pleasantries at the mailbox, one of the lasses asked me if I wanna come work out with them. They belong to one of those places, I believe they are called, ''health clubs'', where people go to fashionably sweat like fuckin animals. I pondered my response, because my natural instinct to a request from an attractive woman is to say yes. All guys are trained this way. Sadly, reader, I denied the request. Exercise and me, I told the girls, was like oil and water. But, I gleefully told them that I was into hygiene and would gladly help them shower down after their workout. That is the last time I have spoken to them....... I have proudly worn the banner of the non-exercise person ever since I can remember. It goes back to my childhood. Unless there was a game involved, like baseball, I did not choose to exert myself physically. The concept of running around a track during gym class always filled me with horror. I always seemed to have my P.E. class first thing in the morning. At 7:30 am, every day, the gym class would be forced to run around a track for, however many Godforsaken feet. This was a tall order that never was popular among my crowd of friends. We wanted to go back to bed or go eat some breakfast. What sadist would want to run three miles so early in the morning for no money? But, I learned fairly quickly that you did not technically have to run. As long as you walked at a steady pace, the lesbian gym teacher could not give you a failing grade. Soon, I recruited other willing souls in my anti-running campaign. After a while, our running class looked liked a March Of Dimes Walk-A-Thon. And, we passed the gym class!!! So there!!!....... Once school was over and I graduated, the threats for daily exercises evaporated. I was free to take charge of my body, something I've had a grip on ever since. But, I was young, and, as we all remember, when you are young, you can eat just about any fattening foods and won't gain a pound. However, as we also know, your body turns into your sworn enemy as you get older. Around the age of thirty five, my stomach muscles exploded and I expanded sideways. I'm a Italian male, so, I always had a bit of a spare tire, but, it started to go into areas that I had no idea I had skin attached to. Suddenly, my fighting weight of 182 pounds that I had in my twenties, grew closer to the two hundred pounds mark. So, one day, I decided to do the dreaded exercise of running....... Like a prizefighter, I awoke at dawn. This was after Christmas, so, I was on vacation. And, with it being after the holidays, I had an extra couple of pounds of holiday cheer wrapped around my gut. The alarm clock went off and I naturally turned it off and went back to sleep for two hours. Then, when my bladder told me that we have to do a bathroom break, I stumbled out of bed. While I stood there admiring my urine stream, it suddenly dawned on me that I had picked this day to go running. After trying to talk myself out of it, I finally succumbed and got my sweat pants on [they weren't fashionable], my ''Home Of The Whopper'' t-shirt that was a recent gift from the local priest, and went out into the cold to start running......... I ran pretty good, I must say. The first three steps went quite well. Then, the pain of more asphalt underneath me started to attack me. Passerby's looked alarmingly at me. Here I was, a man in his mid-thirties, sweating and crying. Somehow, I made it out of my neighborhood and went towards the heart of Schaumburg, the mega-center of shopping, Woodfield Mall. A strange thing happened as the steps turned into miles: I actually was doing this!!! There was no one following me. I never thought I could run this distance without someone chasing me with a gun. Somewhere, from the Outer Regions of Reality, the theme from ''Rocky'' was playing. Soon, young kids started to trail after me [never mind that six elderly people lapped me with their walkers]. Suddenly, I was a hometown hero, people chanting my name, yelling for me to go the distance. And, when I arrived at Woodfield---- this was several miles remember, not bad for a novice runner---- I felt a sense of achievement. I had pushed my body to the extreme and survived the battle against my laziness. I was exhausted but proud. I could not run another step........ And, then it hit me: aw, shit, how do I get home now? So, I took the bus home. And, fortunately for me, the bus stopped right in front of McDonald's!!! I went in and toasted my success in losing weight by eating two ''Royales, with cheese''. Some greasy fries made a welcome trip down my throat, along with a tasty milkshake. In total, my running the several miles to Woodfield made me gain two pounds........ That night, when I awoke from my coma, I realized how foolish it was for me to exercise. Even my doctor, who preaches the tedious mantra of exercise and healthy eating, has a stomach that could house two of mine and some change. I just do not possess that gene to work-out. And, I'm glad I do not have that gene. It is too much pressure to feed that enemy within by constantly exercising. My hat is off to those that can get their Jones up by working out. I see these people, filled with joy and happiness, run these marathons. They go twenty or thirty miles!!!! Good for them!!!! I respect them for their dedication!!!! The last marathon I watched on television showed our finest, living out their fantasy of finishing a marathon. I was proud for them as I was sitting on my couch eating a stack of pancakes. When they hit the finishing line, there were tears of joy flowing from them, a rightful pride at this personal achievement. I did not see this scene, of course. I was taking my nap........ In the final analysis, I could stand to lose about twenty pounds. My health would benefit from it, along with my abused belts. I must confess to riding my stationary bike about five miles a day while I watch the Food Network. And, contrary to public perception about me, I do eat healthy during the week. A lot of chicken and fish. Brown rice. Some spinach. It is just on the weekends that I turn into Mr. Hyde. I drink the spirit drinks and wash them down with a good, unhealthy nosh. Yeah, I concede, it very well may catch up to me. But, almost everyone has their own personal vice, be it alcohol, controlled substances, smoking, or overeating. Food may very well shorten my life, but, it also has enriched my life. The old adage of ''You die your way and I will die mine!''.......

Breaking Down ''Breaking Bad''

I usually am very punctual for a party. I either arrive on time or under an hour after the shindig has begun. I pride myself on a good party and having fun at such. So, it is with a twinge of shame that I admit that I almost missed this particular party. The TV show from AMC called ''Breaking Bad''. I hang my head in shame....... This cult show has a strong following in where I work. My buddy, Mike Hofland, is one of the football coaches at the school I work at. Throughout the spring, he and the other coaches have become rabid fans of this show. Mike, as only a good friend does, strongly urged that I join the fun and become a viewer. He sealed his acclaim for the show by stating something that he knew would snap me to attention. He said he has not been this excited by a TV since ''The Sopranos''...... This is high praise, indeed. ''The Sopranos'' still is the gold standard for all excellence in broadcasting. This type of edge-of-your-seat suspense and drama has been sadly missing from the television landscape ever since this Mount Everest of acting had gone off the air in 2007. But, Mike, called attention to the fact that ''Breaking Bad'' might be a worthy successor. I had heard of the show. Various friends and relatives of mine had sung its praises to me and urged my viewing habits be directed towards the show. I hesitated, for reasons that I really do not know, to jump on board. However, curiosity finally got to me and I rented the first season with an open mind. I wanted to be blown away........ I was, somewhat. I had been fed with the knowledge that the show starts off slowly. It is a five season [ the last season broken in two different parts, ala ''The Sopranos''] drama. The first two, I was warned, dipped and peaked in quality. This was true. Some shows were almost too painful to watch because of clichés and obvious plot choices. There was a touch of soap opera drama that made me uneasy. The housewife actually had an affair with her boss!! [shades of the worst of Harlequin novels]. Still, I stuck with it. I overlooked some preposterous scenes [ most notably, the lead character going into the drug headquarters of his rivals and contriving to blow it up ] and held firm. I was anxiously trying to get through these first two seasons, like a soldier going through bootcamp, to get to the nitty gritty of the series........ Came season three and the rewards of perseverance came to fruition. There was the tension that was promised to me. There were plot twists that were plausible and most gripping. And, there was the unveiling of juicy supporting players to carry the action. Truth be told, I found the supporting characters much more interesting than the main character. Each episode flowed effortlessly into the next [ it takes a lot of effort to make something looked effortlessly]. The ending of each season, the cliffhanger, justified a return for the next....... The plot line is simple. Walter White, played by Bryon Cranston, is given a death sentence in the very first episode. He is told he has cancer and probably does not have much time left. He has a wife, Skylar, played by Anna Gunn, and a son with Celebral Palsy, played by a real-life actor with the affliction, RJ Mitte. Skylar is also pregnant with another baby. The fact he is a poorly paid school teacher in Albuquerque, New Mexico, does not help his case. At the age of fifty, with his death near, Walter wants to leave his family some money after he is gone. He knows his cancer treatments are gonna be costly, but, his insurance will not pay for it. Therefore, he is at an emotional and financial crossroads...... One day, for a lark, he goes out on ride-along with his brother-in-law, Hank,  who is a DEA agent busting drug cartels. Hank is played by Dean Norris. Hank has a neurotic and unstable wife, who is the sister of Skylar. She is played by Betsy Brandt. During this ride-along, Walter observes one of his former students escaping from the law. Jesse Pinkman is his name and he is played by Aaron Paul. When Walter hears the stories about all of the money that these people make, he decides that this is the only way he can make his family financially sound. Being a science teacher, he is familiar with the skills and techniques needed to make Crystal Meth. Soon, he forms a partnership with the Pinkman kid and they become partners in drug making and distribution of Crystal Meth. That is what is pretty much spelled out in the first season. I will go no further with plot twists for those who have not seen the show........ Bryon Cranston does a sound job of playing Walter White. He takes, at the beginning, a good man, and through life's unexpected twists of fate, turns White into a darker and more seedy character. This is when Cranston shines in the role. But, the show-stopping acting jobs are done by the supporting cast......... Aaron Paul and Dean Norris steal the show with their career-making performances. Paul has the tougher assignment. He has a street punk, who loves to talk the jive of the hip-hop crowd, and, yet, manages to pull a compelling and, strangely, poignant portrayal, of this young man. Aaron Paul shines through season after season because, as all of the other characters around him are getting more and more sinister, his Jesse role is the only decent human being among the principals. He takes killings to heart, and also shows his tender side when children are involved. It is a top-notch performance by Aaron Paul......... Dean Norris also is similarly strong. His role as a DEA agent demands that he act all over the place, a larger-than-life performance. And, he pulls it out like gangbusters. At first, he is just doing his job but as time marches on in the show you realize that he relishes the idea of bringing down the scumbags he is pursuing. He becomes fascinated by the cat-and-mouse game being played. His job is his drug. In any high stakes game between criminal and cop, there is a strange bond that develops. They are both in the same arena, living parallel lives. Only, one is the bad guy and one is the good guy. ''Breaking Bad'' shrewdly splits the difference between the characters. Not all bad guys are bad. And, sometimes, the good guys break bad....... My favorite two characters are Saul Goodman, the corrupt lawyer, and, Mike, the ''fix-it'' man. Saul is played by comedian Bob Odenkirk, in a fearless performance. Saul is quick with the quip and knows all of the angles because he has seen every type of dirtball in the world come through his office door. Saul gathers his forces well when Walter and Jesse are in need of his services. Odenkirk, perhaps because he is a comedian, brings a welcome comic relief to the show. His lines of dialogue are laugh-out-loud funny. But, Odenkirk wisely plays him straight and some episodes he steals the show with his acting........ Jonathan Banks, who plays Mike, the ''fix-it'' man, also is fun to watch. He is a cold-blooded killer, who, through his history, can never be shaken by anything that goes on around him. He calmly goes about his job taking care of things. His eyes do the acting. They are dead eyes, with no human feeling in them--- except, when he is with his granddaughter. Banks is good because, like Odenkirk, the show wisely takes him in small increments. If he was the focus of show after show, his character would become tiresome and lose the emotional level needed. No, he is there in the background, like a snake, awaiting to spring up and strike...... All of these characters, along with some other juicy performances by a cast of strong supporting actors, make up a fine show. ''Breaking Bad'' may not be in the same league as ''The Sopranos'' but, then again, no shows are. But, ''Breaking Bad'' does do its job very well of entertaining on a high quality level. I recommend the show for those who have never seen it. It is compelling TV. In a sad wasteland of ''reality'' shows and silly, unfunny sitcoms, when a good show does come along, it deserves all of the buzz it can get....... Thanks to Brother Mike for the suggestion........

''Baby, You're The Greatest''

The room speaks poverty. A table, very old, very plain. In the corner, by a flimsy window, is the sink, usually with spots of dirt around it. A toy stove is next to the sink, and, to its right, a thing they used to call an ''icebox''. On the other side of this cramped room is a dresser. Just a few drawers are in it, the two occupants that live in this place must store all of their belongings into it because they have nothing else. Next to the dresser is an unseen room, the bedroom. We can only imagine but I am willing to bet that this room looks just as bad as the other room. One added mixture to this depressing atmosphere is that this apartment is only seen by the viewer in harsh black and white. Color would add a little spirit to the room, a little cheer. When you add up all of the visual elements of this setting, it is hard to imagine that any laughs could come from this most depressing place. And, yet, as any poor person can tell you, you can wring laughs from the most darkest and saddest of places. It was from this spot, this simple room, that comic gold was found. This apartment was the home for a bus driver, his much-put-upon wife, and their wacky neighbors from above........''The Honeymooners'' was born sometime in the early 50's. Its exact date is lost to history. But, it appeared in a sketch on ''The Jackie Gleason Show'' at some point. Gleason was experiencing his first flush of fame. Jackie had struggled for years in nightclubs and bad movies in Hollywood before hitting it big in 1950. A forgotten network called DuMont was competing with the big three networks--- CBS, NBC, and ABC--- for viewers with this new oddity called television. They were desperate for any kind of programming and took a chance on an unknown, blowhard performer who called himself Gleason. Jackie showed up in New York only thinking he had the show for two weeks. He was a nobody. But, in that immense body there was a somebody waiting to burst out. And, he did. Royally. That two week job turned into a full-time television show all his own. Gleason created many characters on this show. The Poor Soul. Reginald Van Gleason, Joe The Bartender. Somewhere in this mix came the idea for a sketch about a couple who argue a lot but, ultimately, love each other. The idea sat for a time, unused. When Gleason was wooed to CBS in the fall of 1952, the idea for the sketch came back....... By 1952, Jackie Gleason was the hottest male star in TV. His ratings were huge [ second only to ''I Love Lucy ] and he made himself known to the public, both onscreen and off. He was a big, barrowing man of immense talent and immense ego. He was a force of nature on the small screen and he was one of the legendary drinkers in show business in private. Both his life and art merged--- as they do with many performers. He was a loud and crude man at times, but, he also had a sweet spot underneath all of the bravado. His TV characters reflected this. And, when he brought back the idea of doing a series of sketches about a frazzled married couple, Gleason brought a lot of himself to this part. Gleason was quick to temper and got frustrated very easily if things did not go his own way. They call this a perfectionist. Jackie, seeing himself more clearly than people gave him the credit for, thought that this husband should mirror him. But, he would not be a success, Jackie stated. Comedy comes from everyday life, where broken dreams and heartbreak make up the existence for most people. Gleason wanted his TV husband to be on the downside, always looking to improve his lot in life. That way, he rightly reasoned, the audience would feel an immediate bond and understanding........ Gleason wanted Ralph Kramden to have an occupation that got him annoyed everyday when he went to work. A bus driver seemed to be the correct choice. The wife, Alice, would be a stay at home housewife, very common in the 50's. If she would have worked, then, maybe, they would not have been so poor. But, Ralph Kramden was a proud man who took care of his wife. The conditions in the apartment would reflect Gleason's childhood. He grew up in a sad environment, His father left when he was a small boy. His older brother died when Jackie was a teenager.  And, when Jackie was 19, his mother died. The set on ''The Honeymooners'' was right out of the living conditions he grew up in. To a T.......... Jackie Gleason always prided himself on spotting talent. There was a hard-faced comedienne that he was fond of called Pert Kelton. She was no beauty, to be sure. She had a coarse voice and a demeanor of someone spoiling for a fight. She would be perfect for his Alice. The first sketch was formed sometime in the fall of 1952. It would be just Ralph and Alice. There would be another actor who would be playing a policemen in a walk-on part......... Art Carney was a funny man who do not know how funny he was. Like Gleason, he had pain in his life. He struggled with self-doubt and depression his whole life. Also, alcohol. He was a gentle man who would not hurt a fly. Carney was also a tremendously talented man, able to effortlessly move back and forth between comedy and drama. But, he was trying to make his mark in comedy and had a standup comedy act that was not that good. His forte was sketch comedy work. He shined in playing off-center, kooky characters that were sweet at heart. He was a journeyman actor when he first appeared with Jackie Gleason, looking for his true calling. When he got the job on that first sketch, he was hired to play a policeman. In Carney, Gleason immediately saw how much he and Art clicked. They had instant chemistry. They were very much mismatched in real life---- they never became close friends off-camera---- but, there was a real brilliance when they interplayed with each other onstage. Almost instantly, a genius comic team was born........ Jackie Gleason always hated to rehearse. He was notorious for doing his first performance of a sketch live. This shook up the other performers who worked with him. In time, Gleason would let his stand-ins go through the paces with the other actors so they could get some idea on how the sketch would fair on air. When Gleason saw how ''The Honeymooners'' sketch was going, he was dismayed. The idea had appealed to him and he thought the concept had promise but it was bombing onstage. Just before showtime on Saturday night, he met with Pert Kelton and Art Carney to discuss what they should do. Naturally, a bottle of scotch was present, and, according to Gleason, the three of them proceeded to get shit-faced. When ''The Jackie Gleason Show'' went on the air that night, all of the other sketches planned went over well. When it came time to show this ''Honeymooners'' sketch for the first time, Gleason told them to wing it. He said that they would start out the sketch arguing about baking bread. From there, who knows what would happen?........ The sketch started with Ralph coming home, as usual, aggravated. This started an instant fight with Alice. Ralph wanted his bread that Alice was supposed to bake. Alice retorted that she had no time for the bread because she was doing other household chores. Soon, it escalated into a fight with both Ralph and Alice throwing dough out of the window while they argued. At some point, there was a knock on the door. A policeman came in. He was covered in the dough that was thrown out of the window. This made for a big laugh from the audience. Finally, to end the sketch, Art Carney made a funny little move onstage and the sketch was over......... It was simple, no great fireworks. But, the audience embraced the sketch right away. Jackie and the others were stunned. Mail poured in from the public wanting more of this ''Honeymooners'' sketch. The following week, the ''Honeymooners'' appeared again. But, there was one big change. Jackie Gleason knew that he had to have Art Carney in the show every time they did a sketch. So, he and the writers came up with a good friend for Ralph called Ed Norton. Norton was no genius, and, certainly, was no policeman type. They wanted to give him something goofy as a job. Thus was born, ''Ed Norton, Sewer Worker''. or, as Norton called himself, ''An Underground Engineer''. Norton was given a wife so Alice could have a partner in the battle of the sexes. Her name was Trixie, played by Joyce Randolph.......... As ''The Jackie Gleason Show'' soared off in popularity week after week, year after year, the ''Honeymooners'' sketches were always the most popular of all his characters. They weren't done every week---that would be burnout, which would lesson its impact--- but, were shown enough that the public could not wait to see them. Gleason used Carney and Pert Kelton in other roles on his show playing other parts. They were too gifted to just limit them to one segment. However, this was the 1950's, when the ''Communist Scare'' was everywhere. Performers in show business were falling under the blacklisting tag. If you once were a communist or associated with one, you had trouble finding work. The government came looking for you. Pert Kelton was one of these people. She was no Red, but she had some interaction with some dubious people which made her a hot potato for CBS. The network demanded Gleason--- who was in charge of every aspect of his show--- to fire her. Gleason refused. He liked Kelton. And, she was his Alice. Many arguments shot back and forth between Gleason and the network, with the government throwing its two cents into the fight. Finally, Gleason's sponsor to his show gave him an ultimatum: either he get rid of Kelton or they were pulling out of his show. This meant the show would go down in flames and be off the air. Jackie Gleason finally went along with this but it steamed him. He was loyal to his people. Pert Kelton understood this. She gracefully resigned, citing ''heart problems''. Now, the show needed a new Alice, someone who could fit into the already dynamite chemistry among the actors........ Audrey Meadows was a pretty girl. Too pretty for many roles. And, she was rich in her personal life. She had that ''rich girl'' feel to her that would turn off an audience that religiously watched the ''Honeymooners'' sketches. But, she was a determined woman who wanted desperately to work with ''The Great One'' [ a title bestowed on Gleason by Orson Welles]. When she met with Jackie, he told her plain out that she was too pretty for the role of Alice and rejected her. This fired up Audrey's determination to get the part. So, she arranged for a photographer friend of hers to snap some unflattering pictures of her. Like, when she just got up in the morning without any makeup. She looked frumpy. The photos were taken and sent to Jackie without a name attached. When he saw them, he immediately wanted her for Alice. When he was told that it was the pretty actress Audrey Meadows, he laughed and said, ''Any dame who goes to this extreme is someone I want!'' Audrey Meadows was soon hired and started playing Alice. She fit in perfectly with Gleason and Carney. The three of them worked like a well-oiled clock [ the Trixie role was only used for a few minutes per show. It was a thankless role for Joyce Randolph, but she was not in the same league as the other three ]. The popularity of the ''Honeymooners'' exploded with the arrival of Audrey. Soon, CBS was approaching Gleason with a novel idea. Why not do a half-hour show every week, filmed instead of live, with expanded plots? Gleason liked the idea. He walked away from his Saturday night live show and focused his energies on doing this weekly ''Honeymooners'' show. It would be broadcasted during the 1955/56 television season. There would be 39 episodes......... These shows, known as the ''Classic 39'', would go down in TV history as the finest season any show would have. The premise was the same: Ralph always coming up with a ''get rich quick'' scheme that would blow up in his face. There would be Norton, all dumb but good hearted to the bone. There would be Alice, the patient wife, who would go toe-to-toe with Ralph but loved him regardless. Along the way, there would be episodes in these 39 that would forever become a part of the TV viewer. Ralph learning to play golf, [ ''hello, ball!'], his visits from his mother-in law, the ''Chef Of The Future'', where he and Norton go on television with another scheme to get rich. Ralph witnessing a robbery. Ralph finding out that Alice got a phone. There would be Ralph playing pool with his boss and another show when he thinks he is dying. There would be the shows of arguing with Ralph threatening to send Alice to the moon. And, through all of this, through the yelling and screaming, came the feeling that these four really loved each other. You cared for them and hoped that Ralph would finally get lucky and strike it big. After all, he was doing it for Alice. Think about all of his brilliant ideas on making it big. They were all for her. He wanted her to live life like a queen. And, Alice realizes this and forgives him. That is at what is at the heart and center of any ''Honeymooners'' show. And, it always ended with where it should have: with Ralph saying, ''Baby, you're the greatest!' and kissing her...... Shockingly, this half-hour version of the show was not a ratings hit. It did ok, but, all 39 episodes were no great shakes when they counted the Nielson numbers. Gleason, feeling the ego hurt, and, also feeling, that they could not retain the high quality level for another full season, pulled the plug. The show just stopped. That is why there are only the 39 filmed episodes. Looking at it from a quality angle, it was the best time to go. In the old showbiz way of saying it, ''Leave them wanting more''.......... ''The Honeymooners'', the ''Classic 39'' shows, would be sold to syndication where they developed a rabid following. To this day, somewhere in the world, these 39 are playing. It has never been off the air........ When the 1960's came along, Jackie Gleason would start up his variety show again, this time from Florida [ ''The fun and sun capital of the world!'']. He would do ''Honeymooners'' sketches with Carney, but, no Audrey Meadows. She got married and retired from show business. Thus, Gleason got his third Alice incarnation, this time in the form of a fine actress, Sheila MacRae. Sheila would be a good Alice, but, she was no Audrey. These shows on the Gleason variety program were good but not great. They missed the magic that the ''Classic 39'' had. By the dawn of the 70's, Gleason would walk away from his variety show entirely to retire. There would be, in the 70's, reunion specials with Jackie, Art, and Audrey playing their parts again. These shows, hour long specials, were not that very funny. However, they did provide a thrill of seeing these actors again reprising the roles of a lifetime........ Around 1985, Jackie Gleason let a bit of tantalizing information out. He stated that he had, in an air-conditioned vault in Florida, the kinescopes of the early ''Honeymooners'' sketches from his show in the 50's. A kinescope is, basically, a camera pointed at a TV monitor and a crude copy was made. No one, when all the variety shows of the 1950's were broadcast live, thought to film any of these shows. So, kinescopes were the only document taken from these programs. And, Gleason had many that were just of ''The Honeymooners''. Some were with Pert Kelton, some with Audrey Meadows. They ran the gamut in length from a few minutes to a full hour. They were grainy looking but it was ''The Honeymooners''. Gleason sold them to Showtime for a huge price, and, those very old episodes were welcomed by an eager public. Some shows were good. Some were not. If anything, ''The Honeymooners'' became even more popular. Still, as welcome as these ''lost'' episodes were, nothing could top the beloved ''Classic 39''........... Mortality would finally catch up with them. Jackie Gleason, after a lifetime of celebrated partying, would succumb to colon cancer in 1987. Audrey Meadows would also fall victim to colon cancer in 1996. And, Art Carney, that marvelous prototype for all zany sidekicks in TV history, from Barney Fife to Kramer, would die of a weak heart in 2003. With each passing, they would each take with them a beloved character, never to be seen again........ Somewhere, in TV rerun Heaven, there is a shabby little room with just a few items of furniture. There is a bus driver named Ralph. There is a strong wife named Alice. And, there is a sweet-mannered sewer worker named Norton. The hijinks abound. There is arguing. There is real tension. There is comedy. And, at the end, there is the bus driver telling the woman he loves, ''Baby, You're The Greatest!''.... And, they kiss..........