19 Years

19 years. It still stuns me that it has been this long. Time does march on. There was a time, right after he died, that I thought the horror of gloom would never go away....... My brother, Tommy, died on September 22, 1995. The official cause of death was a suicide. That is what the police said to me on that long-ago phone call in the middle of the night. He jumped from a twenty-eight story building. It was his girlfriend's condo. Weeks after the event, my Dad talked to the girlfriend on the phone. She confirmed that he willingly jumped to his death. But, a few days after this conversation, the family received the police report. From what it said, Tommy accidently fell from the balcony when the police made a quick lunge towards him in an effort to pull him into the condo. So, we had two stories on how it ended. But, the outcome was the same. My brother was gone....... Out of respect to my family I will not tell what happened. Some things will stay internal. The people closest to me know the whole story. Obviously, it is not an easy story for me to repeat. Not because of shame. The story of his demise I keep at a distance, because, it is so close...... Thomas Forrest Scoleri would be 52 years old right now. His death at 33 forever locks him in time as someone young. When I look back on his life, there were signs to him that he was not to have old bones. He lived for the moment, as spontaneously as a person could. Both my brother and myself share the title of ''free spirits''. That generally means we cannot [and, will not] be put into any kind of pigeon hole of description. If one must be assigned to us, it is that we float with the currents of independence and inspiration. We live for the current idea or mood, not really concerned about what will be ahead. We say what is on our minds and damn the consequences. All ''free spirits'' are not bound by normal behavior of the brain, but, rather, the streams of feelings from the heart and soul. I have it. And, Tommy had it. In a macabre way, his death, while tragic, was appropriate for his life. He lived life with a big bang. And, his death was just as loud........ Tommy filled a room. He was over six foot tall, unusual for an Italian male. He was good-looking. My Mom always said that he looked like the actor Robert Urich. True. Tommy was classically handsome in a movie-star way. Beautiful hair and glowing teeth. He had an Roman emperor look that turned many a ladies head. And, he indulged his gift with many women. Tommy could work a room, whether he was seeking a female or to entertain with his charm. He also had a great natural ability to play any sport well. This was his true love in life, especially, baseball. Tommy was a damn fine player, with the sweetest swing imaginable. This was his life's dream, to play ball in the majors. He once was scouted by the California Angels baseball team. I remember he came home that night so excited that here was his dream coming true. Sadly, he never heard further from them. Or, anyone else. He would go through his short life always hoping for that phone call to come. It never did....... I have written before in other blogs about the difficult relationship I had with him. And, it was difficult. Painfully so. I never did find out what the source of his animosity towards me was. It went beyond sibling rivalry into a frosty dislike of each other. He had it out for me as long as I can remember. There were times growing up when I was genuinely afraid of him. We fought--- well, him being stronger and bigger and older, made it not much of a fight---- every once in a while. When we were kids, he sure as hell never wanted me around. I was a punching bag to him, both verbally and physically. As I got older and was able to hold my own with him, the fights stopped, but, the tension was always there. Occasionally, we would share a laugh or a good moment. But, the truce would be short-lived. The war would start up again very quickly........ Looking back at those times with the brilliance of hindsight, I see where the cracks were in my brother. He was quite hot-tempered, which led to errors of judgment. Him, on that balcony at the end, was a hot-tempered moment. Hand and hand with that temper came the internal self-hatred at not being a professional baseball player. Tommy was one of those guys that was the star in high school, but, once he left school and the cheers for him stopped--- when he went into the cold world that doesn't give a damn about a high school hero---resentment and depression seeped into his soul and poisoned his character. He became darker in spirit. Not just with me but the whole family, except our Mom. Mom and Tommy always had that special relationship. She was his anchor, his protector and defender against his actions. But, however much love Tommy was given at home, it never soothed his troubled soul. Because we were never close, I did not have the opportunity to share his confidences and his moods. Well, I did experience the moods, but, they were always dark towards me. I can only speculate this, but, I am fairly strong in my conviction that his depression at not achieving in life grew more pronounced as the years went by...... To fixate on his depression and darkness does not do complete justice to the man. Make no mistake about him: he was a damn fun guy to be around!!! He had miles of friends and many admirers. He lived life at full-throttle, never pausing to slow down. Live fast and leave a good looking corpse. You wanted him at your parties. And, you wanted him to be there for you in desperate times when no one else would. He would be there for you. That was a hallmark trait my sister, Lisa, Tommy, and I got from our parents: BE THERE FOR THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE. Tommy was. You could call him in the middle of the night to bail you out, and, he would be there. You also wanted him on your side if a fight was near. Strong son of a bitch, he was!!! For those reading this that did not know him, trust me, you would have liked him........ And, I did like him. And, I did love him. Although we had our moments, I never stopped looking up to the guy. He was my older brother, someone, I knew who would always have my back. I suppose I always thought, as us kids got older and more mature, that things would settle down between us. There would be a truce. I looked forward to growing old with my brother by my side, almost like, two war buddies who fought battles with each other and found a peace pipe to smoke. I imagined us sitting around watching sports and eating and drinking and looking at the pretty women. We were so alike in so many ways. He had the strong sense of family that Lisa and I do. He would be the family ''Don'' and I would be his able ''Consigliori''. I know it would have happened. I had the dream of it happening. That dream died with a phone that September night........ So, now, he is eternally young. Frozen in time. In my minds eye, I see the handsome young brother that I once knew. He is smiling that beautiful smile as he is strolling to the plate of a baseball game in Heaven. It is a big moment in the game, naturally, because my brother was all about big moments. I see my parents off to the left in the stands, cheering him on, along with other family and friends who are also now eternal. Tommy spikes his cleats in the dirt and chokes up on the bat. A couple of practice swings and he is ready for the pitch. Here it comes!!! Fast ball, right down the middle. But, the ball will not reach the catcher's glove because Tommy swings and connects. The ball rises swiftly, almost effortlessly, towards the outfield. The left fielder races towards the wall. But, the fielder will run out of space. The ball, superbly hit, goes past the wall and keeps rising. It rises and rises and takes off into the distance, zigzagging across the sky. Tommy rounds the bases. When he reaches home plate, he tips his hat to the crowd. The crowd applauds him. And, Tommy, forever the free spirit, smiles back.......'' Dear Tommy. I love you, brother!!!! When I get up there, we will have our quick talk and smoke that peace pipe. And, then, MY BROTHER, I expect you to show me the fun sights in Heaven!!! We will rock it hard!!!...... Love, Jimmy''.........