After Forty

Something happened after I turned forty. This age is a milestone age for any man. It is the age where you take stock of what you have done, and, what you haven't. Every man shudders with this age. But, forty never really bothered me. I have a strong sense of myself and what I can and can't do. It does not bother me that I am very unhandy. I know guys who spend weekends putting up drywall and adding rooms to their house. Not me. I live the old-fashioned way of lying on my couch and watching football games until the two or three naps I take seize me. No, being worthless with my hands feels just right in my psyche. And, the fact that I am not a rich man doesn't really shake me. I have never had a love affair with money. As long as I can pay my bills and have a little fun is all that I need to get along. I don't need fancy homes and sports cars because they seem a waste for me. Those are showboating toys to cover personal insecurities. No, I am happy with my dick size........ What happened to me when I turned forty was a complete physical change in my body. Suddenly, the healthy person I have always been turned and ran away and Mr. Unhealthy showed its evil self. It started with my blood pressure. Now, high blood pressure is something that runs in my family. Both my parents had it, along with both my grandfathers, whom I never knew because they died so young. So, the hypertension swimming around my body is nothing earth shattering. A couple of pills in the morning take care of this problem. But, when you have been blessed with good health up until this point, is a bummer to be brought down to reality. I never had any of the childhood diseases: mumps, measles, etc, all passed over me. Suddenly, something life-threatening was brought to me. It is under control and my pressure is fine. But, my first thought I had when the doctor told me I would be under medication [ by the way, I hadn't seen a doctor in twenty years. I was healthy!] was, ''Oh, boy, there are a lot of things I can't do now like I used to.'' Damn....... The next thing that reared its ugly head was my hair. I started getting gray hair in my twenties, but, it was a sprinkling amongst my thick brown, curly hair. I had a lot of hair my whole life. As anyone who has curly hair can tell you, you can't grow it long. It grows up into an Afro. But, me, being me, had to be different. I wasn't able to grow a traditional Afro. No, my hair growth was uneven. It went into different areas when long. I looked like Peter Brady on acid. A favorite trick when I was a kid was hiding pencils and various other small objects under my curls and see if people could spot them. Most times, people couldn't. Jimmy Hoffa could have been buried there and no one would have been the wiser. As an adult, however, with hairstyles changing, I cut the big rock candy mountain of bristle, and had a sensible haircut. But, in my thirties, the brown turned to gray. There were many horrible things going on around me during my twenties and thirties, so, I figured the gray was a byproduct of all of the stress and sadness in my life. By forty, this once brown-haired guy could have done a commercial for hair-dye. I have no problem with gray hair. I like to tell people that I earned every one of them. However, the true mortal enemy of every guy also showed up with the gray. It was hair loss. While hair sprouted from my ears, nose, and toes, it took a most unwelcome retreat from my head. Every morning in the shower these hairs would go down the drain, never to reappear. I wept openly during these moments. I still have a good chunk of my hair covering about eighty percent of my noggin, but, it is not the same. I hope I won't be one of these goofy looking bald guys. You know, the guys who have the Neil Diamond swirl of hair that they flop over to the other side of the head. Thankfully, toupees seem to be going away as guys shave their heads, which I think is a good idea. I don't know how I would look with a shaved head if it came to that. Probably, like a bald Iranian lesbian woman...... Forty also saw the explosion of my stomach muscles. I have never had a washboard stomach or been fat-free. Who wants that? I always liked having a little spare tire around my waist. I called it ''Fun Fat''. And, it was. A lot of fun went into that fat. In my twenties and thirties, my fighting weight was around 185 pounds. Some years I was heavier, some I was lighter. Then, after forty, the fat took flight and migrated into other sections of my physical form. Instead of a little spare tire, now I had an SUV around my torso. My gut hung over my waist, and there were days when it was difficult to see my genitals. In the past, I have always ridden my stationary bike to keep some kind shape. Now, after forty, it wasn't doing the job. Even my yearly sit-up---- so beloved by the public--- failed in its attempts in the Scoleri War Against Fat. Now, I have a nice little volleyball of fat that greets me everyday. There is an obvious solution to this, of course. I could start eating healthier. Well, I do. I eat my fish and vegetables and chicken. I stay away from the glorious fast-foods that I love dearly. I am not an eating animal. However, it seems to be a losing battle. I will still fight this battle but I fear the ultimate sacrifice is coming up fast on the horizon. Yes,''diet''. This word has always chilled me to the bone. This word and concept must have its origins with the Devil himself. Soon, I may have to make a pact with Satan......... After forty came the sinus problems. Suddenly, I had allergies to contend with. Where the fuck did this come from? My doctor, who I think cares about me as much as an IRS investigator does, told me that my body is changing. I said, yeah, not for the better, Sawbones!! Apparently, I have post-nasal drip. I never knew I had pre-nasal drip. Without getting gross, I have a little hole in my sinus that drips mucus. Nice. It drips in my throat and tingles some part there. That is why I am, at times, coughing or clearing my throat. To clear this mess. Mucus!!! I used to have steak going down my gullet, now I have my sinuses throwing up down my throat!!! Doctor Compassion tells me that it is the age process again. No shit, Sherlock. Go play with your fuckin HMO'S........ Arthritis in my legs. Yep, got that too. My should hurts at times. I even am sore when I wake up in the morning. I'm lying there for hours not bothering anyone and my body still kicks my ass!!!...... This is nothing new for any of us. We have turned into our parents in every way. Even, health-wise. I am proud to be like my parents but not when it comes to health issues. But, what can you do? It catches up with us. The key, which I practiced for many years, is to give your body a good-ole boy time before age comes at you. My body is hurting now, but, it was rockin-and-rollin when I was a younger man. When I think back on some of the best times of my life, none of them have been for my own good health........ I would write more now, but, I haven't peed in an hour and my bladder is calling me........