Love Among Green Bay Packers Fans

Unlike many Chicago Bears fans I do not dislike the rival Green Bay Packers. I concede their heritage of Super Bowl winning and the famous that have passed through the gates of that historic franchise. There is an old saying that you do not hate your enemies because it will cloud your judgment. Plus, it is football, nothing more, like all sports, than entertainment. It is a diversion for Sunday afternoons when the fall is around us and our prayers are wishing for a mild winter. So, when I encounter a Packers fan, I will bow my head in sympathy for them, give them a few barbs as only a rival can do, pat them on the back, laugh, and lead them to the bar to watch our respective favorite teams slug it out. It is all good-natured fun, with a touch of evil.......... However, there is always that evil part. Humor mixed with a shot to the heart of a true-fan. You have to bring them down to Earth at some point and get the blood pressure points up a few notches. God knows, Cubs and White Sox like to give each other the business when the topic of the better baseball team in town is raised. Usually, that involves the history of your favorite team losing, plus, mention is made about the physical appearances of that teams fan base. The fan base is usually split in the Chicago area about our baseball teams. But, when we all unite in the glorious fall to join the Bears Nation, our venom turns up north, to the land of cheese and people not bathing on a regular basis. The Wal-Mart crowd that makes up the State Of Wisconsin. And, the latest thing I have learned today is there is a new dating site for lonely Packers fans. It is called GreenBayPackersLovers.com........ I heard this tasty tidbit from a favorite radio show I have. WSCR [the ''Score''] is devoted to talking sports. Since I am work during the day, I usually cannot hear much of the Dan MacNeil show, which is on from  9 am - 1pm every morning during the week. When I have the day off, like today, it is required listening. Well, this AM, they broke the story of this website. Like any other website devoted to those looking for love [or, lust], the site is trying to fix up people with the most in common. And, this site disregards such minor details as personality, appearance, job position, children, etc, and, concentrates its marketing on the most important thing for a Packers fan: finding another Packers fan to share their love of their favorite team. Much hilarity was  given out by MacNeil and crew about the quality of said Packers fans. And, it was all grounded in truth, which is the backbone of human observations...... Well, I went to the site to check out what all of the fuss is about. And, it is pretty much like you would imagine. Packers fans, dressed in their teams colors, looking for love in all of the wrong places. As with every website they showed fans from around the globe that loved the team. Some of the women were attractive, some looked like they could play linebacker for the team. One thing I thought was interesting is that the good-looking women portrayed on the page lived nowhere near Green Bay. There was a L.A. woman, someone from Hawaii. Not bad-looking lasses. My question to myself was, how come these attractive girls could not find love in the paradises that they live in? Why advertise there?.......... Then, there was the flipside. The men on the website. They looked like much of the livestock that I have seen driving through Wisconsin. Big, beefy-looking guys, who look like they would not like to enjoy anything better after a Packers game than to have sex with their sister. Now, you say, ''Jimmy, many male Bears fans are not very toned and fit, either. Why pick on the Packers men?'' The answer is easy: it is my fuckin blog and I can write whatever I want........ Like most dating sites the average date is not between two models. It is usually between two average-looking people who want to find someone as a partner. The same would apply on an average date on this Packers lovelorn site. So, lets us eavesdrop a little on the first date between a male and female Packers fan......... They would be at a bar somewhere near Lambeau Field, the home of the beloved Green Bay Packers. The parking lot would be made of one of those lots made entirely of gravel, no concrete. The smell of romance would be in the air, along with the smell of brauts. The male would arrive first: his name would be Cletus and he just finished his job of extracting dead goats from fences. He would amble out of his 1973 Charger vehicle, with a cigarette dangling from his greasy lips and flannel shirt on with the Packers logo. Before he rolled out of his car, he reached into his glove compartment and slapped on his expensive after-shave lotion, Brute. After farting one last time[ this is a first date, mind you, and one does not pass gas on the first date. That is for the second date], Cletus waddles into ''Perl's Diner and Gas Station''. He thinks he is getting there early, because that is the gentlemenly way to get into a girl's pants on a first date. Alas, Cletus is in for a shocker. Already sitting at the bar is his date. Her name is Cathy Jones, whom everyone calls ''Butch''. Butch has just finished her third portion of beans and brauts and already has a buzz on because she has been drinking since sun up. Butch arose with the cows to milk them and watch them have sex, so, she could get some kind of idea of how the evening will end with that Cletus fella from up north in the big city. This is a special night for Butch. At 45, this is her second date in life [Butch, being of the lively sort, loves to quote her age to strangers. She proudly points out on how her age and waistline have melded into one]. Butch is clean shaven, from head to toe, with two little scars that no one would notice unless they got intimate with her. One is under her chin where it is always the toughest to get every bit of hair. The other is under her left testicle, next to the tattoo of Brett Favre. Butch has just farted one last time before Cletus walked in because she believes it is not appropriate to fart in the first hour of the first date. When Cletus walks through the door with the broken doorknob, their eyes lock and immediately lust is in the air, along with the cigarette smell and the flying gobs of saliva........ They choose a booth near the bathroom. On the dating form they filled out, they both discovered that they are in love with the sounds of strangers going to the bathroom. It takes a good five minutes for both of them to squeeze into the booth. The introductions are brief and touching...... ''Me, Cletus........ Me, Butch''...... Immediately, to hide their self-consciousness, they grab the menu, which is the size of a phone book. They mumble to each other that they don't care what food they get as long as it has some cheese in it. Fortunately, every item on the menu does. The waitress soon takes their order and leaves to order the crane to bring the food. Then, the uncomfortable silence of a first date has settled on them. They look at each other and size up the others appearance. Cletus thinks that Butch has a pretty mouth. But, what really captures his fancy is when Butch smiles. Her eight remaining teeth give off the power of great human warmth and good sucking action. Butch, for her part, eyes this Cletus boy. He seems clean [but, she is willingly to overlook that annoyance], has the expensive cologne that she likes, and, when he laughs, he shows a lot of teeth, especially, after telling a joke, the teeth came flying out of his mouth and landed on her shoulder [ the good one with bones in it]. But, perhaps, the most touching moment of this date, the moment that is often told among the regulars at ''Perl's'', is when, right in the middle of the story that Butch is telling about how she lost her virginity to a pelican, Cletus leans over and picks the dead bug from the bald spot on Butch. They look at each other and realize, not only is he prone to heroic feats, but, the dead bug is bright green. Green Bay Packers green!!! After the moment, they looked into each other's good eye and found love. Their calloused hands were being held under the table. They both knew that they had found love with the right person, the type of person who lives for the glorious Green Bay Packers, and, whom would never leave this team for another for all of the bars of Dial soap in the world. The two kids, Cletus and Butch, romantics to the bone, found true love. And, they owed it to that website. One final act was necessary for this perfect night. The stars were out as they walked to their cars, their hearts alighting with the possibilities of love. Only one thing would seal this union. The melding of their bodies together for eternity. So, they farted......... Perhaps, this is the average date among Packers fans. Or, maybe, I'm being too critical. Maybe, the first date between Green Bay Packers fans is a union between two normal, good-looking, intelligent people. Two people who are joined together to do good things in life, to advance the love and good tidings that is the core of the human condition. Maybe, just maybe, the dates consist of people who will change the course of history for the better, who will lead us from the dark times that make up our daily lives and bring us, finally, together to be a loving people. Maybe, this is the real Green Bay Packers fan!!!!!........ Nah.........