Abbott And Costello Meet WalMart

If you look at my Facebook profile picture, or, if you encounter me in person, you know I am no Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I am an average looking male of 46 who needs to shed a few pounds. That is fine by me. Most of us fall in the middle of looks [ shades of my previous blog subject, folks]. We would all like to look a little more attractive. But, you deal with the hands with which you are dealt. So, you make do. There are some really ugly people out there, though. And, they all seem to belly up to that mecca of the unwashed, WalMart.... Now, I do not go to WalMart often, most of my shopping I do at a few other stores. WalMart has made its name on low prices for their merchandise. That it good. Every family should go to these stores for economic reasons. It makes sense. My observation, however, is of the social scene that comes in the door. We have all seen the joke emails about the various slobs that filture through the aisles, relentlessly bumping all of us out of their ways with swirling fat and falling balls out of shorts. Even some of the men do this, too.... I just survived a WalMart visit. I stopped in to get some pop, beer, razor blades, bread, beer, pizza, toilet paper, and beer. The toilet paper aisle, I would think, see the most traffic in it, based on the size of the asses I saw grazing by it. I need to lose a few pounds, but, these people were so ugly and fat they hurt my feelings being around them. After squeezing past them I made a dash towards the main aisle, where I must have somehow traveled to another country. I spoke English, but, alas, no one else seemed to understand me. Now, many people say they do not understand me, but, I just think it is a convenient dodge so they do not have to talk to me. However, being the genial fella I am I mustered forward to search for other items. I asked one of the workers where the DVD's are sold. After carefully spelling DVD for her, she pointed to the garden section. I did not want to bother her. She had enough to do plucking out the various insects that found a home in her hair. Searching for another person to ask I realized these folks were the extras in the ''Star Wars'' bar scene. I am happy to say that they all look happy in whatever world they are in now.... I walked by the clothing and health section. They had many items that people seem to be interested in. Wife beater shirts, ten dollar suits, used Tampons. Two men got into a fist-fight over the last ''I slept with my sister'' shirt. I walked by the cologne counter. There was dust on the bottles. The deodorant section seemed to be a source of fascination for these people. Quietly, almost as if they would be afraid of waking the dead, mothers and fathers [ or, the guys thought to be the father] silently pointed out this odd device to their 10 children. They seemed to be telling their kids, ''Don't touch the demon deodoarnt, it will bite you!'' A priest was called in to exorcise the soap section. The soap stubbornly stayed, however, and, the shoppers cautiously crept by these shelves. Watching. Waiting. Terrified.... Some nices prices on the TV's at WalMart. But, for some reason all of the sets were turned to the movie ''Deliverance''. And, the customers seemed to recognize some family members in the flick. If you have never seen the movie, the plot concerns four city men who go ride canoes for fun and meet backwoodsmen who use the mens canoes for fun. During these scenes, the WalMart customers, and, employees, melded together as one happy community. There was peace and good feelings among the staff and public, as one of their own showed the city man how country justice is served. Some people aligned their kids next to the TV to have their pictures taken for posterity, and, future mugshots. I walked away from these people when they started to do the Wave.... Suddenly, the aisles were clear! With all of these people at one end of the store--- which tipped to that side badly, by the way--- I had free access to the register people. After ringing up my small amount of items, and, the register people using their toes to count, I wrapped my new belongings in their bags, after first throwing out the various body parts that were still in them. I headed for the door, counting my blessings. I was ducking several cars being driven by some life form before I made it to my car. Curiously, there was a hook on the handle. Anyway, I sat in my car and breathed a sigh of relief. I had survived the WalMart experience once again. A victor over the forces of in-breading and no-bathing. A man who had climbed over a mountain of fat and ear wax to better his life. I would be lying to you, dear reader, if I said that was not weeping openly. I breathed the sweet air. I marveled at the sunshine. I got out of my car and petted a dog. I helped an elderly lady cross the street before I took her purse. And, then, I drove home.... And, immediately took six showers....