Boredom's Companion

Fred was set to go fishing and we all had to know about it. You know a guy like Fred. Someone who is absolutely in love with the sound of his voice. Fred is never short of opinions and theories. Everyone knows someone like Fred, be it a neighbor, a relative, or the blowhard at work. The ''Fred'' character insists on telling you----without any prompting on your part---- EVERY FACET OF HIS LIFE. Be it the home life, what his wife does at work and the people she deals with [Never mind that you have never met Mrs. Fred, nor desire to] or, the long-ago story of when Fred was 22 and encountered a situation identical to yours. Well, not identical---- the ''Fred'' type of person needs to TOP your story with his. All the endless and repetitive yarns of Fred are spun, none to your actual interest. Well, my ''Fred'' was going to the Canadian border to do some fishing. Apparently, the fish taste better with a Northern flavor. Fred is going with his buddies, a group of people who must be the carbon copy of Fred because no sane human being would spend a week with Fred without heavy alcohol and narcotics to buffer you. They will fish and talk. And, talk. AND, TALK. All the while casting their lines to catch some unsuspecting carp that will just be swimming by. Eventually, a fish will be caught and hauled aboard the boat. And, Fred and his mates will offer up endless chatter about various other times they have caught something similar. Meanwhile, the poor fish, if he hasn't already died from the catch, most likely, will try to fling himself off the boat back into the water to escape the boredom of the talk. With luck, the mini-''Jaws'' will succeed. But, sadly, probably not. The last thing the fish will experience in life will be hearing Fred talk about a fish he caught in 1969. The fish does have one advantage over us humans. The fish will not have to look at the pictures of the trip that I will see when Fred comes back......... Herb likes movies and old TV shows. So do I, which is why he likes talking to me. Herb is an amiable fellow, I'd say around sixty. He kinda of resembles the ''Stay Puft Marshmallow Man'' from ''Ghostbusters'', although, Herb doesn't have the sparkling eyes. His are mostly half-closed, like he is just about to fall asleep but is barely able to keep awake. Herb likes to talk , too. But, unlike Fred, Herb actually has interesting things to say. Sometimes. Many times it is all dribble, with me looking at him and thinking, ''What the fuck are you talking about?'' Herb is another type of guy that you know. Someone who is essentially a good guy, but excruciatingly BORING, with a capital BORING. But, he is decent and knows his movies and television. Boy, does he ever!! Whenever we rap, he will ask if I saw such-and-such show last night, or, if I have seen any good movies lately. Usually, my answer is a negative because I am in the cycle of not watching much new programming and have been settling in for my nightly viewing with a nice return to past entertainment pleasures. Herb will then tell me about what he recently watched. More than tell me: He will recite verbatim EVERY PART OF THE MOVIE OR SHOW HE HAS SEEN. From what the actors were wearing to how they delivered the lines, my mini Roger Ebert dissects his viewing down to the smallest detail. This would be fine if Herb could tell a story. But, to my hearts regret, Herb couldn't ad-lib a fart in a bean eating contest. His retelling of the fine entertainment is enough to drive you up a wall. Recently, Herb told me about his viewing of a show recently in such boring detail that I actually started weeping openly. Herb asked if everything was alright and I covered up my true thoughts by saying his story reminded me of a painful past incident from my life. Which was awkward because he was describing a ''Gilligan's Island'' episode. But, like the tough soldier I am, I nodded my head and listened, all the while hoping that his mile-long sentence would have a period coming so I could jump in and change the topic. It didn't happen. Herb went on talking. And, I grew conscious of the fact that I would never get these minutes of my life back again......... By the way, Fred and Herb are good friends. When they talk, I wonder who is really listening........ Barbara is a ''Millennial'' child. Meaning, she talk in codes and phrases that I do not understand. Stuff like ''OMG!'' when something is unbelievable to her. There are times, after I am done talking to her, that I have to Google her terms to see what she was talking about and to make sure she is not calling me an asshole.  Barbara is harmless, though, just very immature for someone her age. Barbara is also someone who has no filter when it comes to telling you a story about her life. She is one of those people that tells you EVERYTHING on her mind. Literally, EVERYTHING. She will start a conversation on one topic, and then, swerve into another, and then, take the next mental lane into another, and before you know it, my brain is trying to unscramble information. I feel like a fly caught in a spiders web. Every time I try to mentally unscramble, Barbara just pours more info on, as I helpless try to escape her clutches. Eventually, I cry ''Uncle!'' and just smile and pretend that I am listening to every word. My brain can do that with some people: while they are spewing useless talk, I am going through in my head the things I need to do, like, stop for gas, get some groceries, call that hooker. Barbara, God love her, never picks up that I have gone into a vegetable state of mind and I am just breathing with the phantom air ventilator until she concludes her tales. Meanwhile, like in the movies, calendar pages, signaling time, are flying around, along with my growing a beard........ I tell these stories myself because we all have these types of people in our lives. Well-meaning, good- natured people that you dread getting stuck talking to. They mean well, but they bore the shit out of you........ To not listen, though, would be impolite, and we all weren't raised that way. Plus, these people, inevitably, have no one else to tell their life stories to. I keep telling myself this when I get trapped into listening to them. Whenever I happen to stumble in their sight and cannot run away [I don't run] I say to myself that this time might be different, that they may actually peak my interest and tell me something that will stimulate me. Alas, I am wrong and my dreams die quickly as I listen to how the newborn had diarrhea, or a funny scene in the movie happened this way, or the fish lodge was out of quarters. But, I listen because I want to be nice. My only job is to try to stifle the yawn I am brewing........ And, I'm sure they are thinking,''Jim is very quiet and serious. Maybe, I will tell him about my Great-Uncle, who was quiet and serious''...........