Is It Safe?

There is a terrifying moment in the 1976 thriller, ''Marathon Man''. The hero---or, victim---played by Dustin Hoffman, is strapped to a dentist chair. The villain----or, sadist----- standing in front of him is played by Laurence Olivier. Olivier, all icy venom, is a runaway Nazi looking for some vital information. He believes Hoffman has what he needs. Hoffman doesn't. He is completely unaware of what is happening to him, a victim of innocent circumstances. But, Olivier is determined to find out what Hoffman knows. He asks the weird question over and over again, ''Is it safe?'' Hoffman has no clue what ''safe'' means and pleads to the man in front of him that he knows nothing. Finally, Olivier, his character a Nazi torturer in his youth, picks up a drill and drills into Hoffman's teeth. The scene, horrible but still compelling to watch, is not for the fainthearted. I often think of this moment when I visit the dentist....... I went to the dentist today. I figured, what better way to spend a nice spring day than to have a stranger stick sharp instruments in my mouth while I drool uncontrollably. In some countries, this is a sexual practice. But, here, it is the usual marching orders of getting your teeth checked. Now, I am very lucky with my teeth. I have been blessed with strong, healthy teeth my whole life. You could read by my teeth in the pitch dark. Obviously, this is not because of taking care of my body. I have spent 50 years doing every conceivable thing to good-naturally harm my physical being. But, my teeth survive, a curious oddity. I brush my teeth everyday, like a good citizen should do. But, nothing more. They are just.....there..... a welcome companion in my endless quest for food. I must have 70 or 80 teeth in this vast mouth. More than the residents of Alabama combined. There are times when I smile that it looks like the shark from ''Jaws'' is attacking [By the way, that ''Jaws'' shark had anger issues]. So, when I put the evidence together, you would think a dentist would be a walk in the park. But noooooo!!!! I still fear going there........ The people at ''Dental Works'' make me feel at home. They are always happy to see me, as long as my insurance card is still working. The women at the desk are nice. I make sure that I always look at their teeth when I walk in. I will make a funny and they will laugh. If their teeth look fine, then I know I am in good hands. If their teeth look like the two guys in the rape scene in ''Deliverance'', this gives me pause. Fortunately, they have good teeth, which tells me that the dentist, at least, takes care of his people. I wait to go in. I always seem to wait at the dentist, they never take me on time. When I go for my regular physical at my health doctor's office, they always take me early. I chalk this fact up to my doctor being very anxious to feel my balls. But, the dentist's office makes me wait and it is agony. The nervousness gets to me. Maybe, it is intentional, a mind game being played by the dentist. Finally, I was called into the office. I took my spot on the chair. The hygienist's name was Lisa. A winsome lass, Lisa proceeded to talk my ear off for the next 45 minutes. She was pleasant. Friendly. She talked about her car needing a new transmission and how she didn't know what to do because she is no good with her hands, which scared the hell out of me as she was picking away at my teeth. Lisa said that she and her husband were trying to get pregnant but having no luck. I tried to be encouraging and optimistic between bits of drooling, saying that I'm sure that it will all go well. Of course, I don't know that it will go well, not knowing the couple. I didn't think it was wise to ask her if he is shooting blanks as she was scrapping my gums. It was around this time that I think about the ''Marathon Man'' scene. I just hope Lisa doesn't ask me if it was safe.......... There is no dignity to a dental checkup. You just sit there like a fool, while gallons of saliva come out like an oil well that has been tapped. I was getting spit from the deep recesses of my feet, I believe. All the while, the patient and encouraging Lisa, was chatting away and asking me questions. My garbled responses were hopefully seen as agreement. She said that my teeth looked good but my gums were too sensitive and were bleeding slightly. Gee, I wonder why? Perhaps, it was that sharp blade that kept sticking into them. I do like the suction hose they use to clean out the spittle. I could use that instrument on cold, lonely nights at home. And, the tasty, sweet freshener that she spread around my mouth. It tasted like Sweet Tarts. I asked her, how much for the freshener and the laughing gas as a six pack? She laughed---and then came at me again with the instrument to scrape my teeth. After she was done, she asked me about how often I floss. This is always a high point for me going to the dentist, the yearly lying about me flossing. With a straight face, I told her that I do it sometimes, but, not regularly. After a moment---knowing full well that she knew I was fibbing---- I said, ''Lisa, you are a nice lady. I'm not gonna bullshit you. I HATE flossing and I NEVER do it!'' She said she appreciated my honesty----and then, dove back into my mouth for one more round of teeth scrapping........ When Lisa finished her duties, it was time for the dentist to come in. He is an Indian gentlemen, one of those doctor's that use every letter in the alphabet for his last name. He came in, all nice teeth, and, literally, took about 90 seconds to talk and exam me. After the quick search in my mouth that my choppers were there, Dr. Alphabet pronounced me good to go. No cavities!!! The gums looked fine!!! WELL, THANK YOU!!! I will take this drive-by exam!!! See you in six months!!!! The only negative was his refusal to give me any novocaine for the road......... So, I said my goodbyes and made my next appointment for six months, which I will probably not keep. I still am nervous about going, even with the positive results. I shouldn't be, I know. When I go there, I know it is ''safe''.......