Self Portrait: Me At 50

I must say, I find it very difficult to believe I am about to turn 50 years old. Its no great sin, I know, to ponder a certain age. Everyone has that one year where you are stunned that you and the number are as one. And, there are people out there reading this who will surrender there older age to just say they are 50. So, I am not searching for a solemn solace of sympathy. But, I am pondering how this person writing this blog made it to the promised land of half of a century........ My earliest memory is of a funeral procession. It was Robert Kennedy's day of rest, June 1968. I was all of two and a half years of age and wide-eyed at the spectacle playing out in front of me. Well, one of my eyes was open wide. My left eye. My right eye was born with the problem of ''lazy eye'', which means, it crossed. Not badly, but, noticeably. The eye was corrected through surgery. However, the vision was forever lost. My equilibrium has always been a problem with me, along with some nerve issues. Occasionally, I will get small tremors in my hands, which doctors have told me is because of my vision impairment. There is such little vision in my right eye, that if, God Forbid, I ever lost my left eye, I would be classified as blind........ But, the eyes saw a lot in my childhood and most of it was pleasant. I loved my family, and, was loved back, with the glaring exception of my brother, Tommy. I have written in other blog missives of the problems we had with each other. Still, those problems were a minor blemish on what was a nice time to be a kid. I was lucky, as were Tommy and my sister, Lisa. We had parents who loved us and sacrificed their lives for our lives. As I have gotten older, I realize what a gift I was given by them: the gift of love and caring. My neighborhood in the 1970's  represented the last bastion of two-parent households. There was very little divorce. Everyone came from the same background. Now, whether there was the same amount of love in the homes in my area I would not know. Probably, many went through motions of family love because they just wanted to keep up with the Joneses. Again, I was lucky. Ours was unconditional love of family. We weren't rich. My hometown, that sprawling metropolis known as Des Plaines, Illinois, was very rock-solid blue-collar. There was no talk of lake houses and new cars every year. There weren't guys and gals with very hip, WASP names. No, we were the meat-and-potatoes crowd, in-your face middle-class who watched out for each other. We played with the kids in the neighborhood well after dark without any fear of any pervert roaming the area looking for prey. You knew your neighbors by name. Streetlights would be blasting light as us kids played flashlight tag and Ding-Dong-Ditch. There was no sexual tension, no talk of drugs. No terrorism existed. You were allowed to be a kid, which is how it should be. Maybe, far back in our minds, we knew that the Big World Of Adults would be claiming us in their ranks as we got older. But, you are young, and with youth, comes a blissful and welcome innocence of spirit and actions. Arms were thrown cavalierly over shoulders when you posed for pictures [the trusty Kodak camera, folks!]. Youth and the joy of being young went breathing through our souls. Yes, a nice childhood indeed........ School, well, I guess I did OK at. I had a quick mind and I got pretty good grades. But, mostly, school was for fun with friends. I was a bit of a class cut-up. Never disrespectful. I was what the British called ''Cheeky'', which means I was a wise-ass with a charming smile to sooth over the class interruptions. The classroom wasn't my forum to entertain, I know now. The teachers ran the arena of the classroom. But, I couldn't help it when I saw a chance to put some spin of reality on whatever subject was being addressed. Looking back, these moments were my first stirrings of wanting to be an actor. I went for the attention of my peers and found it somewhat easily to gain. I would get a frown of disapproval from my teachers but, I also could not miss a turn of their heads a little. They gave a small smile of, I hope, appreciation for my efforts. I'm sure most of them are either very old now [teachers seemed to be older when I went to school] or, maybe, some have passed on. Wherever they are at now, I hope I was not a burden to them. I don't think I was. I wish I could thank them for putting up with me......... A strange thing happened to me when I was around 5 or 6. I began to feel a funny feeling around girls. It was a feeling I did not understand. But, it was a nice feeling. I wanted to be around them. Of course, I had no idea why. I just liked looking at them and being in their company. Now, with the brilliance of hindsight, I know I was already a horny little fuck..........The years of childhood blended nicely with the teenage years. Schools changed, the world changed even more. But, my family and friends were there, along with new people I would meet. Around 14, I had my first kiss. It came from a neighborhood girl named Kathy [who is now, sadly, long-dead]. It was a quick kiss on the lips, more to say that I had my first kiss than anything else. I recall her lips as soft and gentle. As was the moment. God Bless You, Kathy.......... High school ended and young adulthood came. In my early twenties, I decided to go with my dream of being an actor. As far back as I can recall, I always admired the ability of a performer, any performer. That is why I am a good, enthusiastic audience member. My sweat is with the performer onstage. I knew that I wasn't gonna be a Nicholson or Pacino. I never wanted the star life. Instead, I had hopes on being a steady, working actor, hopefully, doing good, solid work. I took the classes and pounded the pavement. I gave myself until I was thirty to crack the profession. If I did not, I would walk away from it with the knowledge that I tried. And, I did. While I did some shows, it hit that wall for me at thirty. I never considered it as failing because I TRIED. To me, to have a DREAM and not pursue it was a sort of failure. I never wanted to be old and look back on my life and ruefully mutter, ''I should have given acting a spin when I had the chance.'' Well, I had the chance and I would not trade those times and experiences for the world. I had a ball!!!! When you are onstage, there is no better high [no better word applies] that you cannot describe to those who have not tasted the potion of creativity. You feel your brain working at maximum potential, all of the juices of brainpower pumping your body, making you feel so alive. Sure, you bomb a lot of the time. And, when you do, you learn a valuable lesson. You do not die from public embarrassment. That is the ultimate human fear, besides disease, right? To fall on your face in front of strangers. Well, I have done it. And, you know what? I'm still standing, babe........ In my twenties, I hit the bars. That is a right of passage for a young, unattached male. You are finally let off the leash and you hit the ground running. Actually, I hit the nightlife so hard I'm not sure I ever let my feet touch the ground. Long nights and early sunrises greeted many a year in my twenties. Occasionally, there would be a relationship with a lovely lass [for their benefit, I will omit names]. Fun, wild times that gave me great joy and made me grow as a person. In the hustle and bustle of my Roaring Twenties, I would have a calm moment of reflection. I knew I was burning the candle at both ends. But, I was young and wild and free. I knew it would have to end sooner than later. It did when my thirties came calling. Along with cruel fate......... Tragedy does not play fair. It slinks into your life very quickly, the Unwelcome Intruder. I thought I knew about how cruel the world could be but I was as innocent as a baby when it did rear its ugly head. Cancer came to my Dad. Suicide to my brother. Dementia to my Grandmother. And, heart disease and kidney failure to my Mom. One by one, these lovely, kind, gentle people lined up in front of the firing squad of life's Fickle Finger Of Fate. I stood by helpless, as disease and death sucked the life out of those I held so dear. I cried to the Heavens, not so much for my own survival, but for theirs. But, the Heavens did not come to our family in white hero clothes. They came in the undertaker black of death. Sure, I knew I would lose my loved ones some time. However, I never thought it would be so swift and so cruelly. I grew into an adult in those years. The look in my eyes saw images and pain that will forever be seared into my soul. There is an old theory that after you look at death you are never the person again that you were before. This is true. I still find joy and fun in life. But, I look at the sunset differently now. I have a hardened edge to my life that I will carry with me until I die. During my thirties, the child died. Long may the adult live........ After I left acting, I had a bit of a problem. What the hell do I do with my life? I did sales for many years. My heart wasn't in it, though. You have to have a killer aggression to go after the money, which I did not possess. While I made a decent living, I never was the tiger. Nor did I want to be. I saw what it did to other people and I vowed to never corrupt my soul with the all-mighty dollar. Maybe, that was what was at the heart of me hating sales: I have never been driven by the dollar. Money has never meant much to me. If I pay my bills and I have some left over for fun, I consider myself a rich man. Don't get me wrong!!! I'm also not a lunkhead!!! If money does fall into my lap, I will gladly use it to have even more fun. Probably, with you, my dear reader!!!!!.......... Also in my thirties and in my forties, I found love a few times. As I have stated above, I will not use names. I am old-fashioned and believe in discretion in the affairs of the heart. The relationships with the women [ by the way, I have NEVER been unfaithful and I wear this badge of honor with pride!] ran the gamut of short-term and long-term. They all were with special women whom I know had to put up with my moods and personality quirks. I am forever grateful to ANY woman who is with me, for I am a man with faults. I have never claimed to be perfect, far from it. I have treated women well, though. Again, not perfect because we humans are not perfect and make errors. Hopefully, the errors I have made have not been costly. In time, for various reasons, the women moved on. They left me. But, I am not a man who has cruelty in his heart. Some relationships are only temporary. I will forever be fond of these women, these Angels who put up with the Devilish Jimmy........ In my forties, my body started to show its age. High blood pressure pills became my morning ritual, along with an alarming frequency of middle of the night trips to urinate. My stomach muscles exploded and there were genuine frightening times when I could barely see my genitals in the shower. Gray hair replaced the brown. Like everyone who advances in years, when I look in the mirror, I am shocked by my appearance. In my mind's eye, I still look 21. But, the cruel Mirror/Mirror on the wall kicks me in the teeth with a visual reality. Somewhere along the line, a second chin glued itself to my first. Hair sprouted in my ears [and, it is gray]. My legs ache a lot and I have lost my anal virginity with yearly prostate check-ups. So far, with the exception of the blood pressure, I am healthy. I just wish a lot of the energy I used to have would come back to me. It is somewhere out there in the universe. I just am too lazy to go find it......... In an example of the topsy-turvy way of life, I now work in a high school. I never would have conceived of this in my past years. To my complete surprise and delight, I enjoy it!!! Like any job, there are bad days. The good days top them, fortunately. I do not know how long it will last. I am enjoying the ride......... So, I am closing in on my fifties. Am I wiser? I hope so. Am I a different person than I was ten, twenty years ago? I hope so. I know I have mellowed a great deal. I think when you mellow that is another sign of learning life's lessons. I have more patience for things and people now than I had before. When I was younger, I was a young man in a hurry. Now, I do stop and smell the roses. And, I value all that I have gathered and lost. I have gathered a great deal of love around me from the family I have and the friends I know. They reward my life and fill me after all of these years with possibilities. I value those I have lost, more so, as the years roll on. They may be gone physically from me but they will always be in my heart. When I close my eyes I see them clearly, so close, I feel I can touch them. I remember faces, all of them fondly. I know they are waiting for me somewhere, just waiting to be reunited when it is time......... So, I end this blog and go forward to start playing the ''back nine'' of my life. I thank you all for being in my life, for taking this tour of life with me. All of you have gotten on this tour at various stops, enriching my life. I cannot thank you enough.......... Permit an old softie to express his heart: I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!