Superhero, My Ass!!

Superheroes scare me. They are freaks of nature walking among us. To be around a Superhero must be a test of human endurance. They have a healthy ego--- after all, they call themselves ''Superhero'' on their business card---- and seem indestructible to anyone and any machine. You can't talk rational to a Superhero. They seem to just see the world as Good vs Evil, instead of the way the rest of us see it, a hazy gray matter. I would not want a Superhero to date my daughter. When she would first bring him home I would be at an disadvantage. How can I scare him into treating my daughter well when he can drop the house on me? No, Superhero's are an not for me to support. Except, for Batgirl, who looked hot in that leather gear......... ''Superman The Movie'' was on the other day. Now, when I was a kid, I enjoyed this fantasy of the Man Of Steel. He seemed like a good lug of a guy, with his honesty and integrity. He always beat the bad guys and got the gal, Lois Lane, in the end. Good triumphed over evil. But, as I got older, and, I got more worldly in my thoughts, it occured to me that Superman was a lame ass. An incredibly boring man who seemed to have no interests in life aside from nabbing bad guys that were pussiies. I never saw Superman, for example, go into the West Side of Chicago and best up the El Rukyns street gang and their crackhouses. Superman never got involved in saving the environment---- saving the world from Global Warming by fixing the hole in the Earth. He never dated. He seemed to be more interested in newsboy, Jimmy Olson, than Lois Lane. Lois was warm for Superman's form but he seemed to like staying a virgin. There were no orgies in his life, no benders with Sinatra and The Rat Pack. He insisted on having an alter ego [a weird trait all Superheroes seemed to have] who loved being prick teased by Lois Lane. But, Clark Kent really seemed to have the hots for Jimmy Olson also. Young Olson probably was passed around that office like a sex slave on a pirate ship.But, what did Superman really accomplish? Big deal, he beat Lex Luthor. Joan Rivers, in her current condition, could do that. Crime seemed to continue in Metropolis despite the threat of him flying out of the sky anytime, like a bird or a plane. The only part of the Christopher Reeve ''Superman'' movies I like now, as an adult, are in ''Superman 3'', when he is hit with Kryptonite and it changes his personality into a jagoff. Finally, he shows human traits we all can identify with!!!! His attitude seems to be, ''Screw you! Go save yourselves!'' Much like our politicians.......... The flame of fighting the bad guys burns bright in the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder, aka, Batman and Robin. Now, here is a pair for you. A rich guy housing with a teenage boy. Dressing up in all funny costumes and sliding down the much greased bat poll. And, then, Batman takes the kid into the mean streets of Gotham City, where, when the kid should be home studying because of curfew, Batman makes him fight the criminal underworld. And, always, Batman has to save Robin's ass at some point from some other freak criminal who not only wants to kill Robin but in the most sadistic way possible, like having a giant crab eat him. Batman treats the youth in Gotham City like he was a football coach at Penn State. Again, a Superhero takes care of the community, while the inept police department looks on like a bunch of dummies. Batman is alerted to any danger by them flashing the Bat Signal into the sky. But, what if it is raining and he doesn't see it? And, what if he has just finished an exhausting day of beating up the Joker and he just wants to kick back with a drink and a bomber and the fuckin signal goes off to go grab the Riddler? If I were Batman, I would lift Robin's head from my lap and say, ''Let Chief O'Hara finally do some work!'' Also, I would check into these prisons in these cities because, apparently, it is very easy to escape from these places. And, one added question: Why do these Superhereo's only live in a city modeled after New York? Crime is bad there but should not Batman and Superman be in Detroit or Chicago or East Los Angeles? Why aren't these dudes in the Middle East fighting ISIS?........... In the world of Superhero's, no one is weirder than Spiderman. A man dedicated to the species of spiders. What is this about? Why align yourself with something everybody hates, like the Yankees? If I were a criminal, I would just get a ten story bottle of Raid and kill this nuisance. Supposedly, Spiderman has spider blood coursing through him. I was bit by a spider in my sleep when I was a kid but I don't have to dress up in a pseudo-sexual outfit [at least, in public]. Finally, Spiderman suffers from the same egotism as other men in his line of work. He has to have a dual identity. Why must a Superhero pass incognito? I would guess that he would make more of a splash if he wore his work clothes. Imagine Batman walking into a bar? It would probably be a leather bar but you know no one would get rough with him. Well, let me rethink this last point........ Yeah, you had female Superhero's like Wonder Woman and Batgirl but they never made much of a splash. What you really need to stop the criminal element---males, mostly--- is ''Blow Job Girl''. This would literally stop crime in its tracks. ''Blow Job Girl'' would, ahem, please the arch criminal, make him puddy in her hands, and the police would swoop in before he, well, you know. I can see the billboards for her: ''Blow Job Girl!! Fighting for truth, justice and the American Way!! She can also suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!. Blow Job Girl sucks the crime away so you can sleep soundly!!''..... Now, that is a Superhero to follow!!!.......