Baby, Its Cold Outside

Since we are in the teeth of winter now, with its obscene cold and hazardous snow, I thought I would give some friendly advice on ways to beat the cold. If we live here [ and, we do, by choice ] then we have to suck up the hardship and move forward!! If that bullshit is not to your liking, then try good, old-fashioned whining and complaining. We are good at that........ The first thing you should do on a day like this is to call in sick to work. If you are like me and have weather days built into your job it is not necessary to do this much. But, people in the real world--- of which I was one for many years--- have to be a little more creative when contemplating going out in this bad weather. Sudden illness, always a threat, strikes the human with swift precision. A few sneezes can develop into a cold and then something more serious. Surely, you, as a dedicated worker and loyal employee, do not want to inflict your fellow co-workers with a dreaded cold. You are a humanist [ possibly, the last among us] and you want to suffer your sickness in the privacy of your own home. That is nice of you. I would give you a raise for being so thoughtful in these trying times...... If you are not genuinely sick, tell them anyway that you are. Fuck work!! What good are you to them anyway on a day like this? You would be forced to go into your job and that could create tension and bad feelings. Being the humanist that you are, that would go against your natural order as improving as a human being. Being forced to go to work on days like this makes a personality adjustment that is just plain bad. You will be resentful, bitter, snap at people, and the unhappiness will spread to those around. Fortunately, this is how I normally feel at work on good weather days, so I know what I am talking about. Therefore, staying at home after calling in sick is beneficial to not only yourself, but, your beloved company also. You supreme humanist, you!!!!.......... After the sick call, you should do the natural reward of staying home from work: roll over and get some more sleep. On cold days like this, pulling the covers over you is a wonderful feeling because you are warm and safe. And, you are not going out into the world like your fool friends and family to their jobs........ Oh, I forgot!!! Call or text your friends that you are staying home. This is imperative!!! After you have had your extra hour of sleep [ sadly, I must confess, you will only be able to pick up an hour of sleep because your body is used to getting up at the regular time] you must contact these people. After all, being the humanist that you are, you want the best for them. You want them happy and healthy. How happy will they be getting dressed and going out into this horror of bad weather? Their best interests are your best interests, so show them the light of staying home. Oh, you may encounter those nervous nellies who never call in sick when they aren't sick. Those people need to be watched because they actually enjoy working. No normal human being likes to work, it goes against our built-in whining and complaining that our Forefathers fought for our right to do. Override these silly workaholics with common sense and a little bullying. Why would you want to go outside on days like this?, ask them. If they give you some baloney about responsibility and pride in their work I would drop them as friends and call the police immediately. These people are a genuine threat to society......... After you have convinced the loyal non-workers to call in sick, get out of bed and roam your home. Never once get the feeling that you will do something productive today. You are sick, after all, so, of course, you are not gonna clean the house or go do laundry!!! The dust will be there tomorrow, awaiting the cloth to wipe away. And, the pile of dirty clothes won't be getting bigger because you won't be wearing fresh clothes today. This is a no-shower day. Just pick up some sweats and the old T-shirt that is tearing apart and you look fine. In terms of being lazy, that is the ''GQ Look''. You have convinced your friends to come over [ this day off being your idea, your friends should pay homage to your genius thinking and come to your home] so, who needs to dress up for friends who are soon gonna be farting and smoking in your house. A poker game is a nice alternative to daytime TV. Get one going. You must have one of your friends bring the essentials on a day like this. Alcohol and pizza are human staples for bad weather. As soon as they come through the door, the beer is opened and the pizza is being devoured. What? Did you think you were eat healthy on a day like this, or drink mineral water? No!!! Haven't you been following my advice closely? This day is a celebration of bad habits, like laziness and gluttony. Relax!!! Since Mother Nature is kicking us all in the sack we have a ready answer: you're gonna kick out the jams and go crazy!!!! I won't even bother bringing up exercising on a day like this. Those people are sadists........... If you don't like poker---- and, truth be told, I don't---- then a movie or sports event will suffice. You must watch a classic, though. ''The Godfather'' movies are always most welcome on any day, but are really applauded on bad weather days when you are ''sick''. But, I will leave it up to you and your tastes among the group. Hey, you have earned this day off, so, be my guest and entertain yourselves.......... There is a great alternative to having your beloved friends come over. That is having sex on a day like this. Convince your better half to call into work. You will be surprised on how good the sex is when you are lying to your boss about your health state. The sex has a winsome naughtiness to it, a sense that the Devil in you put one over on The Man. Your partner will be delighted by this devilish streak inside the humanist, so, the house will be rockin!!!!.......... You will end the day most restful and filled with good cheer. You gave your soul a break from your work. Applaud your efforts and take a bow. The only downside is that you have to go to work tomorrow. Now, if you really sold your illness to Boss Nasty, then you might be able to pinch another day off. If this is the case, reward your second day off with sleep. Sometimes, a day off can be most tiring.......