Bar Rules

There are many area in life I am no expert in. Example being this computer I am typing on. What goes into it, or, how it works, with all of its parts and wires, easily stumps me. After I push the submit button, my words fly out overhead, merge with technology, and, are delivered to you, dear and gentle reader. I am also no rocket scientist. You would very foolish to enlist me to do any math figures. If you needed surgery to save your life and I was your only hope to operate, then you would soon be headed to the nearest mortuary. Many things are beyond my scope of knowledge and ability. Now, some things I do know a lot about. And, one area I reign supreme in is my vast knowledge of bars..... I write this as a 47 year old man. Which means I have been going to gin mills---- legally--- for a good 25+ years. And, what a ride it has been!!!! Memories mounted on top of memories. Fun talk and serious discussions. I have bellied up to a bar more than some people, and, less than others. However, I do feel a certain expertise from years of looking at the world from the sweet comfort of a nice, dark bar. Therefore, I am feeling very expansive now and want to pass along some hard-earned wisdom to the younger crowd that are hitting the liquid haunts. These rules follow in no particular order: feel free to shuffle them around....... 1. If you are going to a bar bring money. This achievement sounds rather obvious, but, for some people they are professional mooches. They arrive with the announcement that they have only a few sheckles ringing in their pockets. Now, we drinkers have been in situations where you might be running short of money until payday. If you are drinking with friends [ always the best people to drink with ] you point this out to them. If they are a real friend they will twist your arm to go with them. They understand, and, will say something like, '' No problem. I will spot you tonight and you get the next time out.'' Guys don't keep track anyway [ women, sadly, do ]. Now, that is different then when someone you barely know---- a friend of a friend--- shows up, stays for a few rounds, eats the free food that the bar puts out, and, then makes a hasty exit when it is his turn to buy...... 2. Never let a female pick up a check. You hear me, young guys? Men do not let women pay!!!! I know it can be expensive, men, but, come on, be a man!!! Women are to be taken care of. And, lets face it, when the tab comes, they cost very little. You are the one who ran up the bill with endless rounds and shots. It is nice when a woman offers to buy. Let them have their moment, smile, and, gently take the check. It is the gentlemenly thing to do. Pamper and adore the fairer sex. They like it and it makes them feel good. And, as a thank you, maybe you will get a blowjob in the bar parking lot..... 3. No blowjobs in the bar parking lot. It is seedy and uncomfortable. Go somewhere more classy, like the drive thru at White Castle..... 4. If you are one of those healthy people who take care of their bodies, then not only do I hate you, but, going to a bar should not be an option. The whole concept of a bar is to beat up your body with unhealthy toxins. Yes, I understand that you want to be social with your friends--- and, you do serve a purpose in being the sober driver---- but, do not take up a prime seat at the bar and order diet coke. That seat is a valued resting place for the drinker who wants to get hammered. The bar does not want you there, regardless of what the bartender says, so you can eat the free buffet and leave a dollar tip. If you have to sit there, at least, buy a drink. Either pour it down the toilet, or, better yet, give it to me to drink. It shows the bar that you are supporting their capitalistic enterprise, and, I get a free beverage..... 5. If you are a jagoff then don't enter a bar. Or, even drink for that matter. We have all had this problem. The guy who has anger issues and has to let the bar know that he is the toughest person in the place. This is the biggest, most annoying problem in bar history. As we know, alcohol relieves a bad day and, hopefully, lifts your spirits. But, there is also the dark side. Alcohol, in some people, brings out the anger and bitterness that resides in some souls. It floats to the surface and then you have a problem for all present. Before you can say, ''Hey, Bartender'', the worm has turned and you are stuck with the obnoxious guy you cannot shake. He makes obnoxious sober guys, like myself, look bad. These people know that they turn into a madman with a drop of the grape in their systems, yet they still insit on bothering the rest of us, usually resulting in some verbal or physical confrontation. So, Mr. Bitter Guy, who hates all women and people who aren't miserable like himself, stay home and wallow in your pity privately. The rest of us do not need to hear it....... 6. Eat. Yes, you have been given a great gift walking into a bar. And, food is part of the fun. There is no pressure to eat healthy and have a drab salad. Go greasy and fat- filled to the core. Cheeseballs hold a special place in my heart [ they are also holding a special spot in the arteries around my heart ]. Cheese goes well with anything. When you fry it or grill it, well, you will know what real liberty is. Mozzarella sticks, onion rings, fries, pizza, etc, must be consumed at some point. Having a little nosh with alcohol is as American as baseball, apple pie, and rehab. Food also soaks up the alcohol, which can save you a little suffering from the hangover the next day.... 7. If you drink to brag about what a great partier you are, then you should not drink at all. Drinking is a social event, not a sporting event. It has been my sad experience that many young guys [ always in their 20's ] walk around and tell uncaring people about how much they can throw back and how they can drink you under the table. Ok, fine. Do that. No one cares. No one cares how fast you can jug a beer, or how many shots go down your gullet. No one care that you have been drinking since 10am today and are not drunk yet. No one cares about how much booze you smuggled into the Bears game. If you are drinking for these reasons other than the proper reason, then don't show up at the bar. No bar wants you. Chances are that you are a sloppy drunk, anyway. Stay home for everyone's sake. Or, better yet, go over to the angry guy's house...... 8. Any shot with a dirty, sexual name is not a good shot. I know some people [ women] find it funny to drink sexual sounding names, but, do yourself a favor and drink a real straight shot. With the fruity sounding names, chances are that you are not getting your monies worth of real alcohol..... 9. Always go to a bar with a good jukebox. The worst type of bar is a club with pulsating music that makes your ears bleed. These places, I admit, are good for bar pickups, but, beyond that, stick with the smaller bars. With these types of places you can control the jukebox and make friends easier. Of course, play whatever you want to hear. There are certain types of music that must be represented. Motown. Classic Rock. Sinatra. Electric blues [ not slow, depressing blues where the singer lost his wife when she ran off with his best friend and took the dog ]. Funk. Certain decades. Play music everyone knows so there can be sing-alongs. Have a party and dance. And, don't be timid about throwing in a wild-card song to introduce to people. It might become the bar song. Then, if you are still at the pub very late at night, when there are the staples---- those lonely, sad-sack people who are mourning some lost love---play the songs that tug at your heart and moist your eyes. Let the song play along with your private thoughts and broken dreams. Frank Sinatra will lead you into this world with his voice. No other person in the history of music is the voice of personal loss like Frank. Saloon songs cry out for him. Frank was a man who barnstormed through life leaving broken hearts and having his heart broken many a time. To hear Frank sing for his loss, strangely, soothes your soul. Bar songs are about mood and feelings. Whether you are rocking a song, or, crying in your beer, music is your best friend in a bar....... 10. Above all: Have Fun. It is simple advice, but, the most crucial. You go to a bar to have a good time. Whether you are with a group of people or are flying solo, the bar is there to make what you can with it. Enjoy the environment. Mix with the people or be comforted with your own musings. Use it as social therapy........ So, these are my thoughs about one of my favorite hobbies. It goes without saying that if you have a drinking problem, then you should ignore what I have just written and go seek help for yourself. For the rest of us, bars remain a cherished place to find a good time...... Now that I am done writing this I am gonna go find a good time!!!!........ Cheers!!!!!!