My Fellow Americans

'' I, James Patrick Scoleri, so christened, do solemnly swear, that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States. And, will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me God''.... '' Thank, thank you very much. I first want to thank all of you for coming here for this special day for myself and my family. On behalf of my wives, Faith Hill and Megan Fox, and, all of our adopted children from the Playboy Mansion, let me express all of our joy at this historic occasion. I would also like to thank Vice-President, Steven Tyler, for the song he sang. Many thanks also go out to the Chief Justice, Charles Manson, for the swearing in, and, the blood stains. I also would like to thank my agent and all the little people---- you know who you are--- and, for some reason, Wayne Newton.... I come here to you all with all the joy in my heart, and a blistering hangover from last nights party at Charlie Sheen's. I speak with you here today to talk about our grand plans for this administration. Now normally, I will not give public speeches with no pants on a regular basis, but, I thought, as a symbol of freedom of expression, I would let it all hang out. Many of you have asked me during my campaign what my platform will be if elected. Will I be able to bring to bring both parties together? Will the precarious situation in the world lead us into another war? Will I stop wearing nightgowns in the Oval Office? All of these questions, frankly, annoyed me. Leave me alone people!! All of these promises that I  have made to you I have long forgotten since I became Prseident and I am sober. Let me speak to the fairer sex, the womanfolk. As THE MOST POWERFUL MAN ON EARTH, I look forward to many late nights of bonding with you through intimate encounters. I pledge to give the basic thrust of my soul to your eager souls. As President, I pledge repeated interaction for many hours. I look forward to deeply satisfying each and every one of you.... To the men, just buy me a beer..... To our enemies abroad, I pledge enormous amount of respect to you fuckers, - ah, misguided, rogue nations. The United States will always defend our allies around the world--- when we feel like it. To challenge us and our abilities would really be a shithead decision on your part. Just try to mess with us, you young punks!!!You will go down faster than a Kardashian daughter at the NBA Finals!! You will never beat us at a war, so, just give up and give us all your money. And, the post office to send your money to is, 'President James Patrick Scoleri, THE MOST POWERFUL MAN ON EARTH, P.O. Box 5882300, Cayman Islands'. This is your warning. Don't let my clown makeup fool you!!!.... I am sorry to get my dander up, my fellow Americans. We are at a most crucial time. The second half of the Bears game starts soon!!! As an Independent candidate I ran across many moments of trials and tribulations criss crossing our country for this worthless job. Boy, there are a lot of ugly and stupid people out there!!!! How you idiots pee successfully has to strain all your intelligence. If you are lazy--as, many are-- then I am here to tell you my government will not support you at all. Therefore, I suggest you just die and leave the rest of us alone. Go ahead. Do it. We will clean up the mess--- actually, I will call the maintenance people we have working illegally in the White House to do that. But, please, all of you people who text while you drive, all of you people who search the pockets and purses in the grocery store for the change they never seem to find [ holding the rest of us hostage in line], you Packer fans, people who are mimes-- just go ahead and put the shotgun in your mouth.... That said, I would like to talk about my compassion for people. All of you know, some by showering with me, just how much I enjoy helping people in need. No other President can compete with my love of humanity.  Perhaps, many of you remember my Great American Sleepover at the Nymphomaniacs Convention. The spirit of love was in the air that day, along with many diseases. We must all do out part for the government--- more to the point, you must dedicate your lives to me and my needs. I should be your first thought in the morning, and, last thought at night. This is what the heart of my Presidential agenda will be. Yeah, that sound right!!! I hope that you can all, as the kids say, ''dig it''....  As you also know, dancing is my primary love. My swing contests with Rosie O'Donnell and Rose Marie have become the stuff of legends. I will dance until I die.... Which brings me to if I die in office. Now, don't go all grasping in horror now!!! I see several people have fainted just hearing that. Or, maybe, it is the gas that Michelle Obama is expelling. If I should die in office, say attending to foreign, ah, affairs, then I want my funeral to be royal. I want a white horse following my coffin. I want the visiting Heads of State to line the streets. I want a little boy saluting my casket. I want the priest nowhere near that little boy. I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetary surrounded by cheeseballs. I want the ''Hooters'' girls to carry my casket. I want John Travolta to not give me a massage. I want nuns to sing the theme from ''Shaft''. I want the Archbishop to deliver my eulogy speaking jive. This is, I believe, owed to me for being a public servant.... And, finally, I would like to address one more thing. I have no doubt of what you can do to make your life, and, others around you better. The goodness, which swims in all of us, is rarely released because of the shackles that are put on you by us, your leaders. Why would you believe me, when others have stood here, looked you directly in the eye, and, have told you all the biggest amount of bullshit imaginable. One is the same as the other, regardless of your political leanings. To be sure, there are a few differences, but, we all swim in the same cesspool of lies and deception. We are easily bought and paid for at the highest bid. We do not care for you and you all know it. Therefore, why should you believe me? Well, I would not if I was in your shoes. Any self-respecting individual would not choose politics as a career. I believe we all have some good intentions starting out, but, it is lost in a maze of corruption and selling your soul for the personal power that all politicians crave. So, I ask for your faith, It is a faith for human forgiveness and salvation. It is a faith not of religion, but, of human kindness and redemption. It is a faith we have all been taught as children, but, we slowly lose it as life marches on. However, it is still burning in all of our souls. This faith is the backbone of being a human being--- to find the better angels of our nature, as Lincoln once said. This core behavior, of human goodness and decency, is what gets us through the obstacles in life. And, I want this faith to get us through my new Presidency. I want us to all join hands and walk down that path of human salvation. No more violence. We have been cruel to each other for far too many years. Patience. Understanding. Love. We must accomplish this mission. Because without this mission of hope we have no hope. Let us join together from the darkness of despair to the light of love. Let us achieve the greatness that is at our fingertips. And, let us behave like we should, so, when we all get to the Pearly Gates, God can say to each and every one of us, ''Thank You''.... My fellow Americans, let us forget the mistakes of the past and embrace the new beginning.....''