The Duties Of A Son

To follow a father's shadow can be daunting. The achievements and the signposts that your dad has left in life can either be inspiring, or, can cause you to see your own faults. If you are like me and had a father that was your hero, then it can be even harder. To be a son is to be measured. How you act like a man and how you act like a functioning adult, is all tied to the bonds of blood you get from the man who helped create you... I can't speak for what it is like to be a daughter, obviously. Daughters are to be adored and spoiled. ''Daddy's Little Girl'' will always have a special place in a father's heart. The sparkle in a man's eye is for his little princess. If there is any conflict for a daughter growing up, it may come from a mother and daughter. Perhaps, it is the parallel road that a father and son share. Two heads butting, at times, because they are of the same mind. It is not a battle like men and women have. That battle is part intellectual, part sexual, part dominance. Rather, it is a battle of ''I know what you are thinking of because I have been there, so, do not try to put one over on me'' school of thinking... Nobody ever told me about what the duties of a son are. I just learned by watching and by osmosis. Watching being the key word. I knew growing up the importance of family. I still do, even more so now. While everyone plays a role, it is a father who is the focus in the leadership of a family. I do not mean to imply that women are not capable of being in charge of a family. That would be false and stupid. Many women are that focus. I am just speaking from my experience of growing up in a time that seems a thousand years ago. Different time and place altogether from our current world. My family-- and, the families of my friends-- all had that dominant male force that drove the engine of the family. My Mom was a close second. She was the steady companion of my Dad walking through life together as a team in love. Dad supplied the leadership because he was a natural. And, watching how he handled everyday problems I saw how a son should conduct himself in life. With decency and understanding. With compassion and honesty. With hard work and gentle play. A caring for the less fortunate and someone in need. And, above all else, love. Love for family and friends...The duties of a son are also on exhibit when a son is with a woman. Dad showed me how to treat a woman by how he treated my Mom. The treatment was of protection, caring, and strength. Be there for her when things are good-- that is easy. But, also during the bad times.Your shoulder should be the one that a woman cries on during life's battles. Your embrace should be the one that she feels when she cannot handle the burden of the world and needs someone to help her carry the cross of pain. Holding her and encouraging her are your duties as a man in the relationship. The rest-- the money you make, the size of your house-- is all smoke and mirrors. Be there for her. Let nothing, or, no one, ever come between you... The dark times are when a son is tested. There is an old saying that the shock of death changes a person so much that you come out of it a different person afterwords. I know it was for me. I had seen the tragedies that go on in life, but, it was never close in my soul until it came in my house during that horrible period in the 1990's. It was illness, I believe, that truly made my stripes as a man. I became the caretaker of my parents illness battles because I was there. The hospital stays and the doctor's visits were my responsibilities. I took them on because I had to. There was no other choice. I had to be there for my parents because I loved them and they were always there for me. It was how myself-- and, my sister and brother-- were raised. We all took our turns for our parents, but, I did the heavy lifting. I was single. They had their lives to lead. Don't get me wrong, they did their share. I just did more because I was on the front lines with Mom and Dad in the war to live. I saw their frustration and pain. I saw their loss of vitality and the joy of life. I faltered sometimes and made my mistakes, but, because of what I learned from them, particularly my dad, I did the best I could. I made them proud because I was proud of them and what they gave me. I did not do it for self-congratulations. There are people like that in the world, who go through the actions of caring so they will get noticed. Have you ever asked someone , who is taking care of a sick person, how that sick person is, and, the response you get is how hard it is on THEM? Not on the sick person, but, the selfish way the ''caretaker'' is reacting? I find these people repugnant and certainly not deserving of my sympathy. I feel worse for the patient because there is selfishness and phoniness around their care.... My Dad, when he had his colon cancer in 1991, spoke to me privately one late night in the hospital. It was during the period when we thought we were going to lose him. It was a private talk between Father and Son. The complete conversation I will not tell you about because it is a special pact with Dad. There was nothing seedy , or, some great confession. It was my Dad and myself sharing the love that we had in our hearts for each other. It is one of those conversations in life that no one else should hear. But, I will tell you a little of what we talked about. It was about being a good man and a good family man. He wanted me to know of proud of he was of me and how I had turned out. How I would continue his legacy and goodness in life after he passed on. He also asked me to watch over the family. My brother was still alive then, but, he lived out of state. My sister lived nearby-- and, was the apple of his eye-- but, she had a young family of her own and had her life there. Dad wanted me to anchor the family and watch out for everybody because I was the most like him. I looked him directly in the eyes and told him I would. And, then, he started crying. I did, too. Dad, through his tears, also asked me to take care of my Mom. He was worried that she would be lost in a world of exploiters and bad people. That was a big thing Dad always did for the family-- he kept the wolf at the door all throughout our lives and protected us against the horrors of the world. Through my tears I told him I would always take care of my Mom, who was the love of his life. We then hugged. Crying and hugging. Though it was never stated directly he was passing the torch of the family to me. I have never dropped it. And, I do not ever expect to receive anything more valuable than that... I write this because I have seen the duties of a son recently by two close friends of mine who just lost their fathers, one a month ago, the other today. They both did a hell of a job!! Their parents raised them well!!! They were there for family. Just about all of the things they did for their dads I did also. Every thought, every fear, every frustration. And, every ounce of love. Both my friends, James and Mike, right now have a very proud father looking down on them...I know all of you have similar moments with family. You just do it and not think of why. It is the blood love talking... And, with loved ones, we will always listen...