Training Day

The man fell out of bed at the crack of 9 am. He knew what was awaiting him. It was destined in the stars that fate chose him for his mission. He didn't want it. He was ''chosen''. Once the fickle finger of fate picks you, you are a marked man. He couldn't deny it. Various individuals saw differently. They said he was a fool and a sadist. They asked him to ignore his destiny. Why put yourself through the agony? It could end up badly? The man didn't listen. He had to do this. Not just for his country, but, also for the little kids that looked up to him. He had seen it in their eyes in past years. He was living their dreams also. To not answer the call for his mission would crush the human spirit and break the hearts of unknown millions out there in the wilderness. And, so it was with a great deal of gusto-- and, the need to pee-- that the man stood up, walked out of his bedroom, and, started his first day of training. The mission? Sit-up 2012... After the bathroom break, and dancing to the ''Footloose'' sountrack, the man strolled forward to start the day. He walked past the coffee table stacked with fitness magazines, religious relics, and Faith Hill photos. He headed for the kitchen-- that oasis of fun that for  so many years served his appetite and soothed his soul. This morning was different, however. Long gone were the legion of pancakes and bacon. There was no omelette. That belonged to the past. The man had an egg. He cracked the yoke in the glass, took a breath, and drank it down in one gulp. Vomiting soon followed... After cleaning himself up-- and, a quick twenty minute nap-- he walked back to the bedroom and dressed. The man put his lucky workout outfit on. It took a good ten minutes to blow the dust off the outfit, but, the man dug in. After strapping on his running shows-- also needing to have the dust blown off them-- he grabbed his keys and left the security of his condo. Outside lay his training. Outside lay his public to cheer him on. Outside also lay a parking ticket on his car.... When he emerged from the building, the man felt reborn. There were, of course, some reporters waiting for him. The build up to his yearly sit-up usually brought the media. ESPN did a quick interview with the man. He said he would be doing a sit-up as usual, but, also laid the big one on people too-- there would be a push-up after the sit-up!!! Wildly, the people looked at each other in astonishment. Both of these mammoth achievements in one day? Why were we so lucky? The man said that a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or, what is a heaven for?... And, then he was off, leaving onlookers in shock and wondering who farted. The kids in the neighborhood ran beside him. He didn't mind-- he was driving anyway. All along the street were his people. The man was quite touched that the mania has produced the goodness in people. He also liked seeing the women holding his picture up. ''Scolerimania'' was the new term on people's lips.... After driving to the national park named after him, the man got out of his car after pulling his pants up.The real training would start now. Out of sight of the public and the media, he kneeled down on one leg to pray to God. The man was praying that God would tell him to go home and forget this nonsense of physical fitness. The Good Lord let him down. God told him to train for his day of infamy. The man took it like a man and burst into tears... After his crying jag-- and, a twenty minute nap-- the man layed down on the ground on his back. The knees went into position. With both hands behind his head, he started the sit-up. He made it up a third of the way before he blacked out. When he woke up after twenty minutes, he stood up and pondered. Yes, it would be a long road to the final day. It will be Super Bowl weekend. Five weeks. He asked himself, could he do it? He asked himself, could he live up to the expectation of so many millions? He asked himself, would the world suffer more if he failed? And, mostly, he asked himself, why are you talking to yourself in the middle of a freezing park?.. The man got back into his car. He drove home. It had been a good first day of training. He felt proud. He felt wisdom. He felt up his neighbor lady. Tomorrow would come soon enough with another day of training. The first hurdle had been leaped, though. He survived....Then he ordered a pizza...