Excerpt From The Diary Of The Widow Bin Laden

Dear Diary. Here it is a few days after the death of my beloved, and the cave where we shared so much together is playing to yesterday's ghosts. I miss him. I miss everything about him-- from his musk of not bathing for 8 months to his childlike glee over watching ''Glee''. How we used to sing together over ''our songs'' like, ''Who bombed the World Trade Center, doo da, doo da.''... So many memories... I remember our first date: a couple of his pals came to our village, blew it up, kidnapped me, slaughtered my family, and played Menudo music really loud. And, when I saw his face for the first time--- I thought he was Scottie Pippen of The Bulls--- through my veil, I knew I had found the man for me!!! There was a gentleness to him as he cut off heads of strangers. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't turned on by that!!! Plus, the man could dance!!! Many a night our cave was rocking with parties and music. The guest list was a virtual Who's Who of the terrorism world: Hussein, Qaddafi, Noriega,  Merv Griffin. One night there was a rather heated argument about religion: But, my beloved settled it by killing his enemies and taking us to White Castle... As a father, he was the tops!!! His 49 kids with me and the other Goommas were his pride and joy. That is another source of hurt for me now: we lost 2 of our sons-- Binny Jr and Tito-- when those ''infidels'' ripped my family unit apart!!! ...Now, I am single. What do I do? Who could top him? No one, dammit!!!.. I just signed up for Al Qaeda E Harmony. Who would want me? After 14 years of marriage, who wants a old woman like me? I just turned 21... Somebody desperate, I know... Here is my profile: '' Lonely, single woman, recently widowed. Looking for a man who knows how to treat a woman worse than a dog. Must love camels, HATE AMERICA, love sunsets, and the aroma of gunfire. Must have the runs!!.. and, looking at those camels-- he must have a penis longer than 1 inch.''.. That is my profile. I have only one response so far: Who is this Charlie Sheen???... Now, it is late. I have the real estate agent coming over tomorrow to put the cave up for sale. Then I must move-- I'm thinking Libya for the peace and quiet. But, it won't be the same.