A Boy Not Born

It was just not in the cards for me. Becoming a father. It seemed to, for some unexplained reason, slip through the cracks of life for me. I always wanted to be a father. I thought it would happen. And, at various times in my life, there were a few women who seemed to want to be the mother of my children. But it did not happen. I have comes to terms with this loss. Even at my age of 51, if, by some chance, I would become a father tomorrow, my child would be graduating with a father who would be 69 years old [this statement is not meant to draw a laugh]. Just about everyone who knows me well has stated on several occasions to me that they thought I would be a terrific parent. Perhaps, I would have been. While I certainly would have made the standard mistakes all novice parents make, I believe that my innate love of family would overcome the obstacles that are par for the course. Alas, these words ring hollow: it will not happen. I have reconciled and accepted life's verdict on this subject. But, at night--- you know, the dark night, when sad thoughts and broken dreams speak most loudly--- I wonder about the child that never was to be......... I see the child in my Mind's Eye. The child is a male. He would be named after my own Dad--- the child's proud ancestor who will forever be the standard of a fine human being. The name is James Martin Scoleri. But, in family tradition, he will be called ''Jimmy'' by all who come into contact with him. The child will inherit strong features: a shock of thick brown hair, dark eyes, a good nose, and a strong mouth that flash teeth any shark would be envious of. The child, as he grows into a man, will grow to average height, nothing overpowering, nothing too dominant. But, that would be down the line. For now, he is a child and child's world he would encompass....... In that world, there would all of the joys that a child must enjoy. There would be friends, there would games. There would be fun, there would be laughter [for what better sound in the world is there than a child laughing?!!]. And, more than anything, that child will enjoy the increasing rare existence of JUST BEING A CHILD!!! There would be no outside influences to taint the innocence. His own father [whom will always be called DAD] would giving all of his energy to ensure that the little boy is protected from the cruelties of life--- even though the bubble will burst eventually....... The boy will be raised with respect and manners. In a world that seems to forget these practices, the boy's Dad will teach these most basic kindness traits to the boy until they become an unconscious part of his nature. But, the Dad will be conscious himself on how much to put on the young boy's plate. The Dad realizes that children must not have deep pressure--- maybe, a gentle kick in the pants, once in a while. The child would be raised to not fear or disrespect his parents. The child would be taught right from wrong, good from bad, kindness given and received. And, when the boy makes a mistake, as all children [and, crucially, parents] do, the boy will learn from those mistakes and not be scolded or put down. The child will never feel the sting of embarrassment or a sense of failure. Insecurity, common to all human beings, will be dealt with through optimism and encouragement to feel good about yourself. And, the child will never seek out other children to bully or pick on. This will be one of the paramount lessons taught the boy by his parents. Unacceptable behavior and cruelty will not come close to the child. The Dad will never permit it........... After teaching the child the first years of life, the Dad, mostly, along with praying for good health for the boy, will stand back and survey his work and hope that the boy is on the right road to becoming a good human being. Some things, naturally, will have to be corrected. No person is perfect. Hopefully, the fruits of the Dad's labor have not been in vain......... The boy will come into focus. Personality will be blossoming. In the fine tradition of the boy's family, a strong sense of humor will be pronounced. This is key becomes this will serve the boy in good stead in the coming years. This, along with being a kind person, will connect him with the people in the outside world. A good sense of humor walks miles in people's hearts and minds. It makes someone feel good about themselves and the person serving up the laughs. It will also make vast armies of friends for the boy. As the boy becomes active in the outside world---- and, his personality becomes stronger and more forthright---- the collection of friends through good feelings will bond the boy with people who will become his secondary family, a family that he can sail through life with....... But, the boy will know to make the right kind of friends. Because he has been taught this task from his first flicker of memory. The boy will be taught whom to accept and whom to stay away from. The boy will know to stay away from danger and trouble. The boy will not become in any way involved with someone who will do him or anyone else any harm. And, the boy will know when to tell his Dad if the situation becomes a problem. Open door communication--- the feeling the boy innate knows that he can tell his Dad anything---- will be a benchmark to their relationship......... The boy will respect school and his teachers. Sure, the Dad will say to the boy, there is a lot of unnecessary nonsense to going to school. But, it must be tolerated and schoolwork will always be honored. The boy will never be pressured to get straight ''A's''. That is the unwelcome bridge to putting too much pressure on a child. A simple staple of trying your best will be good enough. The Dad will be close by, not only to monitor that the work that will be done, but also, to be a helping hand when the boy gets stuck. This will always be another hallmark to their relationship: the Dad will always be there. Its a lifetime job that he proudly signed up for........As the boy grows older, the familiar feelings of unrest that invade all teenagers will come to the surface. The Dad knows this is a very tricky time--- judgment day for all that has come before. All previous rules are thrown out of the window because the rules have changed. In fact, a new set of rules will be thrust front and center. Conflict, almost unheard of in the formative years, will rear its ugly head and become Public Enemy Number 1. The Dad will grasp this and try to ride the unsteady wave of teenage moodiness. Both child and man will be swimming in these treacherous waters, each trying to keep the other's head above high water. There will be times when both will be sinking. But, with a spot of luck---- and balls of iron in both males--- the storm of puberty will blow away and a deepening bond between the two will be the welcome end result........ And, then, there are girls. Talk about a LANDMINE!! No rule book has ever been written about the most complex of all relationships: the male/female dynamic. Oh, yes, there are books and so-called helpful guides, but, the Dad will tell the boy that, quite frankly, all bets are off when love comes into your life. The only thing the Dad can tell the son in all certainty is the plain fact that you treat a woman like a rare jewel, a wondrous creature from God's hands. They are to be worshipped and adorned, treated with kindness and respect. They must be given freedom and no restraints. They are allowed to disagree with you and you are allowed to learn from them. A successful relationship must not have a dominant partner. Everything is equal. However, the man must never stop protecting the woman. It is a man's job, the Dad tells his son, to always be there for his love and to never abuse her or let someone else abuse her. You must never cheat on her, you must never strike your hand to her. You must listen and you must give solid advice. And, never stop adoring her.......... Finally, after the long road of childhood is over, a man emerges from the child. Hopefully, all the years of constant quality parenting has formed a successful young male human being. If the Dad has been somewhat successful in his role, the young man in front of him will make great strides in the world. The Dad----- with the equal partner is his life, the Mom---- will beam with pride on this creation of loving parents.......... In these dark musings that I sometimes have, I picture the son that I will never have. He is in the Other World, the world of the Unborn. At times, I feel he is so close to me that I can reach out and touch him and bring him to life. But, that touch will never be. He is my great What Might Have Been. There is a small part of me that feels guilty that I have not brought him to life. But, I also know that it is for the best. Perhaps, my life is more rewarding and successful without him here by my side. When my destiny was planned by Someone, it was decided that parenthood was not gonna be in my life. That is fine....... But, I cannot help but be moved by the image of a boy somewhere, in some form, waiting to play catch with me........