Eyeball To Eyeball

The words say it all. They are chilling to the bone.... ''Good evening, my fellow citizens. This government, as promised, has maintaned the closest surveillance of the Soviet military build-up on the island of Cuba. Within the past week unmistakable evidence has established the fact that a series of offensive missile sites is now in preparation on that imprisoned island. The purposes of these bases can be none other than to provide a nuclear strike capability against the Western Hemisphere. Upon receiving the first preliminary hard information of this nature last Tuesday morning [ October 16 ] at 9:00 am, I directed that our surveillance be stepped up. And having now confirmed and completed our evaluation of the evidence and our decision on a course of action, this government feels obliged to report this new crises to you in fullest detail... Each of these missiles, in short, is capable of striking Washington, D.C., the Panama Canal, Cape Canaveral, Mexico City, or any other city in the southeastern part of the United States, in Central America, or, in the Caribbean area.... Acting, therefore, in the defense of our own security and the entire Western Hemisphere, and under the authority entrusted in me by the Constitution as endorsed by the resolution of the Congress, I have directed that following initial steps be taken immediately.... To halt this offensive build-up, a strict quarantine on all offensive military equipment under shipment to Cuba is being initiated. All ships of any kind bound for Cuba from whatever nation or port will, if found to contain cargoes of offensive weapons, be turned back... Our goal is not the victory of might but the vindication of right-- not peace at the expense of freedom, but, both peace and freedom, here in this hemisphere, and, we hope, around the world. God willing, that goal will be achieved''.... President John F Kennedy, October 22, 1962.... And, the world came close to being destroyed for close to a week. It is the 50th anniversary of this terrible scare. We have had many crisis in our history--- of course, 9/11 being the most recent--- but, none can compare to these thirteen days in October, 1962. The United States and the Soviet Union met in a showdown over these missiles in Cuba... As Kennedy stated, he first became aware of the installation of the missiles on the 16th of October. The CIA, in their daily U2 spy flights over Cuba, had discovered the missiles. With pictorial evidence, one of JFK's men, McGeorge Bundy, brought the matter to the attention of the President. He immediately called a meeting of his National Security Council to discuss this very serious threat. At the meeting, the ''Best and the Brightest'', as they were called, alternated between shock and horror about what the Russians had done. The implied threat to us and our safety could not be denied. Something had to be done to remove the missiles. The most obvious was military intervention. We had been flirting with invading this island, just 90 miles away from Florida, ever since Castro came to powere in 1959. The CIA led ''Bay Of Pigs'' in 1961 [ where we trained and armed Cuban rebels to overthrow the Cuban government ] had been a terrible failure. That invasion, sans military support by the U.S., died on the beaches soon after they landed. The rebels were captured and tortured and many were killed. The bitter aftertaste-- along with both sides bracing for more bloodshed--- were on the forefront of the Russians when they installed the missiles, starting in August, 1962. By October, the missiles were nearly ready...... At the meeting with the Kennedy team, the military spoke the loudest. Led by General Curtis LeMay, the brass hats demanded immediate and bloody action. They wanted an invasion of the whole island. While this was on the minds of many of the men at the table, the military, as it often does, played the macho card. The losses of human life--both Cuban and American-- were of no concern to them. They wanted action. John Kennedy wisely demurred. He wanted to know from LeMay what the Russians would do if we invaded. Surely, they would not sit quietly by and let us take Castro out. This was no concern for the military, for they thought the losses would be inconsequential. Kennedy and his team, rightly appalled by the cavalier atittude of LeMay, declared that military intervention would be the last resort if all else failed. LeMay and his team were angry. He told Kennedy that it would be a terrible mistake to wait. His exact words were, ''You're in a tough mix, Mr. President''. To which Kennedy famously replied, ''You're in it with me''...... The meeting broke without a decision. This is where Robert Kennedy, as he had done so often for his brother, stepped forward and took control. He correctly surmised that the men around the table--- Kennedy men-- would feel more free discussing their options without the President around. Ideas could be pitched and argued without the pressure to give JFK an answer. So, the President went on with his regular schedule while Bobby took the reins. The military idea was still supported by many, but, a new idea emerged: a blockade, or quarantine. If the Russian ships that were secretly delivering the missile parts to Cuba could be stopped, then some kind of leverage could be gained by not using the invasion idea. Bobby took to the idea of a quarantine like a duck to water. He presented the idea to the President, who endorsed the suggestion. While still fending off the military hawks who wanted blood, JFK put forth the blockade idea. Now, our navy ships would meet the Russina ships head-on, hopefully, without firing a shot, and, stop their progress towards Cuba. After several days of planning and debate, Kennedy went forward with the story to the public in his speech on October, 22..... In Moscow, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev was outraged that his secret arming of Cuba had been discovered. But, Khrushchev, for all of his famous bluster, was a sensible man. They had been caught, so, he knew he must find a way to keep those missiles in Cuba without the threat of nuclear war [ back then, a missile fired from either the U.S. or Russia would take about 15 minutes to hit the other country. Now, it would be in the seconds ]. Dealing with his higher ups in Russia, the Presidium, Khrushchev had to save face for both his country and himself. Meanwhile, the Russian ships and the American ships were closely in on each other..... The ships faced off at each other on October 24th from a distance. On both sides of the world, Kennedy and Khrushchev anxiously waited for the other to crumble. The stakes were the highest of the whole crisis. The Americans were prepared to stop the Russian ships. At first, there would be a peaceful request. If the Russians ignored the request and ran the blockade, then we would forcefully stop them through fire. For several tension filled hours the world waited on the brink of war. Who would give up?.... The Russian ships stopped in the water. They would not move forward. Finally, they turned around and went back towards Russia. A great cheer went up in the room of Kennedy men. As Secretaryof State Dean Rusk stated, ''We've just went eyeball to eyeball and the other fellow blinked!'''... But, the crises was not over yet. There still remained the issue of the missiles in Cuba to be removed. Khrushchev was not bringing any more to the island, but, he was also not taking them out either. Again, this is where Robert Kennedy was so crucial to history. With his brother's support he went back-channel with the Russians. He told key people in the Russian embassy in Washington that the United States was fully prepared to launch an invasion to take the missiles out. Back and forth went the negotiations while the world moved closer to the brink. Finally, the Russians, on the thirteenth day, announced that they would be dismantling the missiles with the agreement that the U.S. would not invade Cuba at any time. Also, there was a backroom agreement for the U.S. to remove their missiles from Turkey in the near future. This last demand was kept from the public. It was not that much of a concession--- JFK had wanted the Turkish missiles removed for many months, but, to save face, it was kept hush-hush for many years... Robert Kennedy emerges as the hero during the crisis. By controlling, with his brother, the hawks in his government, along with the stubborn negotiations he undertook with the Russians, he saved the world from nuclear destruction. There were other heroes on both sides, certainly, but, Bobby was the ringleader, the center of all activity.... The ground were the missiles were in Cuba was plowed over, and within a few months there was no sign of any evidence of how close the world came to ending.... My Dad once told me how harrowing those days were. I was not yet born, but, he had my mother, my sister, and, my infant brother. He told me how he would go to work and cry-- along with the other men he worked with-- that there was a chance that he would never see his small family again. Finally, he decided that he would stay home from work with his family and hold them close.... I believe, in those desperate times, many people around the world were doing the same thing....

In Memoriam: Saturday Night Live

I haven't quite figured out why they scream the opening. Perhaps, it goes with what comedy has sunk to. To cover the weakness of humor, you yell and scream and run into each other and hit each other in the crotch for the punchline. While people are ''laughing'' at the action, they do not understand that beneath all the clamor there is no humor to be found. It is ''bells and whistles'' comedy, no substance. Maybe, that is why ''Live From New York, Its Saturday Night!'' is bellowed at such a high decibal level..... I remember this show fondly from my youth when it meant something. There was high comedy art and satire, along with the catchphrases that the public walked around repeating. Well, it still does have the catchphrases, but, the days of substance and quality are long gone. Now, it is impossible to follow the magic of the original show. It was a different time in history--- the 1970's--- where a generation brought up on television gained control of the medium. The times were sharp and ready for topical humor. Watergate and Vietnam had brought America to its knees. The sexual revolution, women and gay rights, and, the realization that our leaders were not whom we always thought they were, demanded that entertainment address these topics. Music did it in the 60's. Now, comedy had its princes lined up to take the banner of satire and go to the ultimate extreme. Stand-up had Pryor and Carlin and Steve Martin [ all would host the ''SNL'', with Carlin as its first host]. Sketch players had ''Second City'' and the ''Groundlings''. And, ''The National Lampoon'' had a Off-Broadway revue called ''Lemmings'', which brought all these ingrediants of current humor together. So, when an enterprising young Canadian producer named Lorne Michaels pitched a late night program concept to NBC, he knew exactly what he wanted and where to find these performers.... It helped that the road was wide open. They would not be compared to what had come before because nothing had ever been attempted at this level. When ''SNL'' premiered in October, 1975, it was hailed in the counterculture as a revelation and a revolution. Here, finally, was a show that spoke for them. They laughed at the political jokes, the drug jokes, and the references to their generation. On the other side, the establishment hated the show for the same reasons as its supporters so embraced them. They were too shocking and obscene. Older viewers were very offended that the show would make fun of anything. One joke, read on ''Weekend Update'', brought a torrid of hate mail from the public. It concerned the real-life shooting of a T.V. personality known as ''Professor Backwards'', who had an act of saying words in the reverse order. Chevy Chase read that after being shot, the Professor cried out, ''Pleh! Pleh!'' [ I still laugh at this. If you do not yet get the joke, go back and look at the words again]. Older comedians and viewers, like Johnny Carson, were appalled by this joke. It was offensive, insulting, and mean. Well, yes, it was. That is the right of the young: to shock and provoke the older generation. ''SNL'' saw the line of taste that first season and cheerfully jumped quickly over it.... The show was much more than shock value. It was a dead-on satire of everyday life and the events swirling around us. Along with this topical commentary came an extraordinary collection of characters created by this very young, talented cast. The Coneheads, a Samurai, an old lady named Emily Litella, Roseanne Roseannadanna, a lounge singer who butchered modern music in show-business cliches, a stumbling President, two nerds, killer bees, ''Weekend Update'', which skewered the news, all of these became beloved by the public. As the show progressed past its first year, the ratings soared. Even the establishment, which had blasted it, now embraced its audacity. The press quickly dubbed them , ''The Beatles Of Comedy''. Like the Beatles, ''SNL'' had nerve and got away with it. Even the actual Beatles themselves were rabid fans of the show. These were the days, remember, before cable and VCR's. You had to be home or at a party to watch the show. Because, it was a show that everybody talked about the next day. It was high-energy comedy, like tightrope walking. It was live and it was dangerous. You never knew what could happen. And, because of that danger, an electricity ran through the T.V. That gave the show its edge-- an edge that went away with the original cast in 1980..... After the departure of the ''Not Ready For Prime Time Players'', the show took a massive hit in popularity and quality. While there have been talented people throughout the shows history--- Phil Hartman, Dennis Miller, Dana Carvey, Eddie Murphy, Tina Fey--- there has also been a parade of bad performers who used the show not for its original purpose, but, rather, to launch a movie career. That is fine. Everybody is allowed ambition, the original cast left the show for the movies, but, with this new mentality, the purpose of the show in the first place has been badly lost. That is why the show is no longer relevant. People are hired, and immediately have agents and are making deals to move on. Any thought of creating worthwhile comedy is lost in the search for the gold of stardom. Jimmy Fallon may be the best example of this. For some unexplained reason he was hired for the show and was given the showcase of ''Weekend Update''. Watch his smirking through ''Update''. He is telling us how funny he is. Not showing it, but, telling us. Clearly, his agenda is not presenting comedy, but, presenting Jimmy Fallon [ the same can be said for his talk show and commercials ]. The Lorne Michaels from 1975 would not have put up with this shit. If anything, the original show would have mercilessly devoured a lame performer like Fallon. They would have cut him up like cat food... That may be the key problem of the show all of these years. Lorne Michaels is still in charge. He has long ago shed the rebel outsider from the first show and willingly embraced the establishment. Again, nothing wrong with that. But, when you give up the outsider's role then you do lose the touch of the people and what is going on. You view life through a limo instead of walking the streets. You vacation in the Hamptons instead of talking to your public in bars. With age comes security and not taking as many risks as one does in your youth. The heart of why the show has been creaky and stale is that it has long become what it used to parody. I suppose that is to be expected, but, for those of us that held the rascal nature of the first show so dear to our hearts, it is painful. It is like a once-great performer just playing of past glories and riches. Pretty sad for a comedy show.... I have never been to 8H where the show is presented. I would like to go sometime. Somewhere, on that stage, are the ghosts of glories past. Somewhere, there is a Albanian man with a Samurai sword. Or, a spunky, cute-as-a-button girl playing  Roseanne Roseannadanna. Or, a clumsy man taking falls as our President. They are there, probably wondering why no current comedy from the show is joining their ranks of greatness....

Random Thoughts: October 2012

It is funny to me that whenever I see a political debate I always am reminded of the movie ''Being There'' with Peter Sellers. Perhaps, you remember the movie from 1979. It is the story of a mentally slow man, who has been sheltered all of his life . At middle-age, his benefactor dies, and, he is forced to be thrown out of his house that he has never been out of, for the first time. He tended his garden at the house and watched TV all day. That was his life. He is a simpleton, sweet-hearted and honest to the core. When he is thrown out into the cruel, cold world, he, through a series of accidents, becomes an important man. He becomes an intimate advisor to the President and many powerful people. The film is a wonderful comedy, a classic. See it. It is the film ''Forrest Gump'' ripped off, by the way. And, it is a dead-on satire of the media and the insane ways we pick our leaders and how their simple words are mistaken for great wisdom. One of the conclusions of the movie is a scene where he is seriously discussed as a Presidential nominee. A simpleton who is picked by powerful people to run the United States. Sound familiar to anyone???...... I guess I have decided who I am going to vote for. And, like millions of people out there I am disgusted that I have to pick one of these candidates. The lesser of two evils. Ever since I started to vote years ago I am always faced with this choice at the ballot booth. Whether it is local or national I always pray a little bit before I cast my ballot. My prayer? That this person will not turn out to live up to my worst fears. That , finally, we have someone who will make a difference. I do not expect honesty and integrity--- after all this is politics, which is the cesspool of all cesspools of corruption. But, my optimism sometimes shines through and I hope this person can be another Lincoln, FDR, or, Bobby Kennedy. Someone big who cares about the little people. We have had them and they have made a difference. Then, in many cases, we have killed them because they are different and do not follow the slime-trail of all the rest of them. I understand completely the mindset of people who do not vote. The frustration and apathy. The are tired of being shafted and corrupted. They realize very little can be done by the powerbrokers towards them. They sit out the race. I respect their passion and their stand. However, I always take the view that if you do not vote [ and, some don't because they are too lazy, or, do not want jury duty ] then you have no right to comment on the world and how it is run. You did not try to change for the better. Fine, it is your right. Just shut up for the next four years then. That is your penance. Mine will be trying to justify to myself why I voted for the person I did. I have two choices in Obama and Romney. I have decided I am picking one of them. But, it is a vote I will not be able to defend or feel proud of..... We must always remember to thank comedian Gilbert Gottfried for the ''Too Soon?'' words that are now part of the vernacular. The genesis of this phrase can be traced to a Friars Club Roast for Hugh Hefner. It is a few weeks after 9/11, and the emotions are still very raw. We did not feel like laughing too much, especially at dicey humor. We were all trying to get along with each other in a more loving way [ we all knew that wouldn't last ]. So, Gottfried get up there and brought the world of comedy to a pre- 9/11 state. The joke I do not remember correctly. To paraphrase, it concerned his inability to find a plane that would take him non-stop anywhere. Except for New York, where it would make two unscheduled stops in buildings. I believe that was the crux of his set-up. Immediately, cries went up in the audience-- remember these were fellow comedians--- who screamed, ''NO!''', ''STOP!'', and, our new phrase, ''TOO SOON!!''' This little response, from an unknown audience member, became an instant saying among the people. Now, if someone told a joke or comment that was too close to a death or tragedy, then the term ''Too Soon'' would be the response of some people. Those of you who know me know I occasionally cross over into naughty humor. Some see it as inappropriate, and, some see the point. The point is, while it may be too extreme to hear some dark humor, it also can be seen as a release. You are laughing at death. And, as we all know, death has the last laugh on us. I always heard an explanation about sick humor that can be traced to Woody Allen. The saying is, '' Tragedy + Time = Humor''. The fun part really is pissing off people who are offended!!! That is even better than getting a laugh!!! I will just say I have never bought that bit of behavior that you cannot make fun of a dead person, especially if I did not like them. If I did not like them alive, then, it is hypocritical for me to suddenly feel warm about them since they are dead. Cruel? Maybe, but, I am being true to my feelings towards that person.... Fall is my favorite time of the year. The heat of summer is gone and a nice, cool temperature will be the norm for a few months. The colors are pretty, and, there is the wonderful aroma of fires being enjoyed. Football goes full-throttle and even the most casual sports person will be swept up in the frenzy of another Bears season. We all know that another brutal winter is on the horizon, with shoveling and bitter cold. Ugh!!! That is why fall is so special to me. We had the white-hot heat of a summer, when things race by in a fast clip. And, winter is over our shoulder, when things crawl to a snails pace. But, fall is a calm period. To take stock and enjoy life. There is a warm and pleasurable feeling of a sweatshirt or pullover around you. You hunt for pumpkins and you rake the leaves and you greet the trick-or-treaters. You buy the turkey for Thanksgiving in a few weeks and you fret that Christmas will be here soon and you are still paying off the bills from last Christmas. Yes, there is a calmness to fall. A time to take a breath and enjoy being alive.... Unless you are Donna Summer. Then you will always be cold and stiff..... Too Soon?????

Meeting Dan Aykroyd

It was excellent!!! Totally fuckin excellent!!! And, I wasn't the only one who felt it. There was a ripple that ran through the crowd. That is true when anyone famous walks among us. But, Dan Aykroyd has always, I believe, escaped that burden of being super-famous, with the entourages and the outrageous antics that we associate with stars. He is blue-collar, stubbornly normal in the abnormal world of show business. I met him today at Binnys.... It was a signing for his ''Crystal Head Vodka''. Now, I am a vodka drinker and I have had a desire to try Mr. Aykroyd's potion. But, when I saw the price--- north of $80.00 bucks a pop--- I decided to wait it out another time to taste test. However, I always wanted to meet him. He is one of my comedy heroes. A pioneer, with his friends, of ''Saturday Night Live'', and classic film comedies. ''The Blues Brothers'' movie [ and records] remain close to my heart. This movie, like many favorites, I can quote verbatim. There is a favorite scene of mine that every guy I know loves. The brothers are being pulled over for running a red light [ actually, the light was yellow, says Elwood]. While the police are checking Elwood's driving record, Elwood turns to his brother Jake and says, ''I bet those cops have S.C.M.O.D.S.'' Jake asks, ''S.C.M.O.D.S?'' To which Elwood responds, '' State, County, Municipal, Offender, Data, Systems.''... It is a police term that I am not even sure is used anymore, but, back in 1980 it was. For some reason I love this scene, and, I heard Aykroyd once say in an interview that this is his favorite scene in the movie. Any cop that I know loves it when it is quoted to them. A strong believer in authority and police, Dan Aykroyd also loves the criminal underworld with fascination. While never being a criminal himself, he has always cultivated friends in this world. His fascination with cops and their prey led to a running joke about him in the ''SNL'' offices: his ideal fantasy would be to committ a crime and then arrest himself.... So, he was signing his vodka at ''Binnys'' in Arlington Heights. The time for this was scheduled between 5pm to 7pm. Fortunately, I finish work at 3, so, I zipped over from Glen Ellyn to A.H. in record time. I was doing some serious speeding at times, folks [ Elwood would be proud ]. I arrived around 3:30 and found immediate parking. Hauling it into the store-- with a book I wanted Dan to autograph--- I was very pleased to see a line that was not long. There was a zigzag pattern to what the store had lain out. The ''Binnys'' people were very helpful and organized. As I got in line, one of the employees told me I was number 62. I asked when the cutoff would be when they would stop the line and he said around 300. I relaxed. I was safe..... I immediately started to talk to people in line. This is a trait of my Dad's. Make friendly conservation. It also helped that one of the people I was talking to was nice-looking with big breasts. An attractive woman, with alcohol around me, waiting for a comic god. If I had cheeseballs I would consider this moment Heaven. We all made chit-chat. Other people began arriving around us in time. Some came as ''Ghostbusters''. About five guys who dressed as the boys in the movie did. And, they also looked liked forty-something year- old virgins who never kissed a girl. I pointed this out to the big breasted woman in front of me.... The book I was carrying for Dan Aykroyd to sign is called  ''The Best Of Friends'', by David Michaelis. It was published in 1983 and it is a profile of friendships between men. Some of these men are famous, like John Kennedy and Lem Billings. Some are not household names. One such portrait of a deep friendship in the book was between Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi. I have written in other blogs about these two and their brotherhood and dedication to each other. The chapter on them in this book is quite wonderful to read. Dan did the interview with the author two months after Belushi's death in 1982. His feelings and emotions were still very raw after losing his soul brother so abruptly. In the profile, he talks about their professional and personal bonding. They were brothers, said Dan. Kindred spirits. Aykroyd summed up his feeling for Belushi by saying, '' I'm not a homo, and neither was John, but, when I saw him come into a room I got the jump you get when you see a beautiful woman. That pit from the stomach feeling. Being with him was electric, really electric.'' The profile-- really for fans of these two-- is heartfelt and strong. The author, Michaelis, captured them so well that when I was wondering what I could bring to have Dan sign this instantly jumped into my mind..... The line was getting big when our guest of honor arrived early at 4:30. He got a well-deserved ovation from us. Dan is sixty now. Long gone is the young, sleek performer. He is now quite chubby. He has been married to the very hot Donna Dixon for many years and has three daughters with her. If I was married to Donna Dixon I would not spend my time working out. I would be home with her trying to make another kid. Anyway, he strolled in and immediately addressed the crowd in the classic Dan Aykroyd machine-gun delivery. He thanked us all for coming out and said we will have some fun. He was wearing shades. Now, I usually do not like it when a performer wears shades for personal appearances. I wanna see your eyes. The whole face. But, somehow, it seemed in character that he was wearing sunglasses. In a way, Elwood Blues was making an appearance also.... The line moved forward at a good speed. Because of the size of the crowd there was only so much time that a person was given. Some bought the vodka. Some, like me, brought other things for him to sign. The deal was that he would sign these items for a fee of ten dollars. Then all the money would be donated to charity. I paid the ten for him to sign my book. And, the line got closer..... My turn came. I gave my phone to a man nearby and asked him if he would take a picture of Dan and me. He said yes. Then I turned to Dan. I said, ''Hello, Mr. Aykroyd, can you sign my book for me?'' He said yes. I handed him the spot in the book that starts the chapter of John and him. There is a picture of John and Dan taken around 1977 on one side. Dan signed his name, and, as he did I asked him if he could write my suggestion. I told him what I wanted and he smiled a big smile. It told me he was in favor of my request. I then sat next to him and the man took our picture. I said to Dan, as I shook his hand a second time, ''Thank you, my friend.'' He replied, ''And, thank you , my friend''. I took my phone and left. I looked at the picture of Dan and me. And, then, dumbfuck that I am, I accidently erased it!!!! I was tempted to go back to get another shot, but, the people had moved on. That is ok. The picture is in my memory forever.... I walked outside and looked at my book and what I had requested that he sign for me.  I smiled because it is so him. Next to the picture of him and his best friend and Blues Brother, he wrote, '' DAN AYKROYD, THEY'VE GOT S.C.M.O.D.S.'''..........